My underwhelming life & this awful year

So I'll start by saying I have a lot of patience for bullshit. My whole life was basically that, including dealing with constant fighting in my house by parents and their inevitable divorce. I could take that, being bullied in highschool, my ex cheating on me with a friend of mine and I'd be fine. This year has just ruined me though. My grandmother who meant a lot to me and I haven't been able to see as much as I'd like in two years passed away. Due to my family situation (mainly my dad's first daughter and my half sister hating my mother and me) I wasn't allowed anywhere near her for awhile. It killed me when I saw a woman who had once taken such care and provided me with such love to be in a hospital bed barely able to speak or anything. She endured so much from the abuse from my grandfather when they were young and I only wish I had more time with her. It hurts to look at pictures of her because I see a lot of myself in her. We almost have the same face and it strikes a pain in my heart that won't go away. My boyfriend also had to witness the death of his father this year. He was a diabetic with both legs amputated and was in very poor health so it wasn't surprising, but he was only 52 which is far too young. It was a very awful experience as he had a seizure in the middle of the night and they had to choose whether or not to remove life support. To make matters worse they had to wait for his father's mother, aka Bubby, to make it from california to watch as they did it. Also for more info, Bubby is stinking rich and has not given any help to his family at all. What I'm saying is she could have prevented all of this had she just paid for the care he actually needed. So instead they had to watch the blood drain from his face and sit in silence. My boyfriend is still taking it hard as he also sees a lot of his father in him. On top of all the tragedy, my boyfriend also went through testicular cancer this year. It happened so quickly is was surreal. He had noticed some swelling, and immediately went to the doctor. I assured him everything would be alright and I would stick by him and love him no matter what. To my dismay it was exactly that, cancer. Luckily he had insurance at the time and it was quick process where they basically removed the testicle that had the cancer. Ever since then though I feel like he's changed somewhat. Like he's more quick to anger and irritation than before. I've always just wanted to be helpful. I quit my job at the behest of my boyfriend as I wasn't making enough money aka only 9.75/hr. So I quit that and tried waitressing for a while, and it was about the same amount with twice the amount of work. So I tried to find another job which I did, but not without the constant remarks about not finding a new one quick enough. So finally I'm at a job I'm comfortable with, it's only 11/hr but I enjoy the work and the people. My boyfriend on the other hand got fired twice, from really well paying jobs (like 15/hr) because of poor customer service (he's just not a deal with bullshit kinda guy). So the whlole time he was jobless I was supporting us and feeding us. I did not make any remarks as I remember how I felt when he would say things to me. Often times in life I deal with things like that where I am the kindess, as I know what pain feels like when someone you love causes it. I just feel like I need to connect more with my friends, family, and him. Or maybe I need to move away and never see anyone again. I just hope that something changes when I get back into school next semester.

User Comments