I couldn't fix it.

Hi Brandon.   This is all very difficult and I don't even know where to start.  Hell, I don't even know if you'll read what I have to say or take what I'm saying in the right context right now.  So I'm asking that you just read and listen and just accept my words for what they are, not twisting them into something else.   I'm asking that you keep your angry opinions to yourself and just listen to me as you've always known me, kinda stupid, clumsy, completely lacking in eloquence and totally incapable of ever expressing a clear thought or idea.   Basically just listen to me as you've always listened to me...as the Tiff you've always known.

I think I will start with Monday morning. I woke up and got my tea like I always do.  I saw down at my computer hoping to see an email from my boyfriend.   Instead the first thing I see on facebook is, "If you're ever sad, just think, the world is 4.543 billion years old, and somehow you managed to exist the same time as David Bowie."  

My face lit up.  You know he's my idol but then I looked to the right of my screen where the trending news is and I saw that David Bowie died.  HE DIED.  I can barely type this or say it out loud without tearing up still.  I know it's silly  to be so emotional about someone I didn't know.  But I was and I am. 

So I was sitting here in shock when Melly messaged me.  We were casually talking when she dropped that you and her chatted the night before.  I can't lie.  I felt some jealousy.  I knew it wasn't okay but you also know how I am.  I immediately started working through it, getting used to the idea that isn't a one off chat.  She doesn't work that way.  Into the conversation she was complaining that you don't smile.  So I told her I'd ask you if I can show her a picture of you smiling.  She immediately said she's message you herself.   At the same time, I was already talking to you on Kik.  I needed reassurance that we'd still be talking.  We hadn't spoken in a week because you were busy and I find out the night before you were talking to my best girlfriend.  I was feeling insecure. I felt like if I never messaged you again, then we'd never speak again.   You know by now that when I get that way, you reassure me and I'm fine.   You were right there with me, helping me with my panic attack.  You brought up my David Bowie prayer candle that I got for Christmas because you knew I was heartsick about his death.  

Then before I could work through it all, you two sprang it on me what you did.  She couldn't wait to tell me in bold letters complete with an OMG!!!  My stomach dropped.  She had just messed with my friend Nic the week before and now you, my very best friend in the world.

I blocked her immediately, without a word.  It's what I had to do at the moment.  And I pled with you to please let me be so I wouldn't hate you.  I knew I was losing it at the moment and couldn't gain control of my emotions.  Instead you kept messaging me,  and I kept crying harder and harder.  I was consumed by a grief that I never felt before.

I'm not blaming you.  I'm just trying to explain where my head was at.  I blocked you on Facebook but couldn't on Kik or anywhere else.  You were my Fire.  My friend.  My confidante.  My calmness and voice of reason.  I just needed time to process, not listen to all your excuses and reasoning and then watch you switch to  blame and accusations.

You know the most embarassing things about me.  You know the best things about me.  You tolerate my idiotic actions and my drunken antics.  You were patient with me.  You accepted my scoldings when you did dumb things and I took your advice when I was dealing with the fall out from my own dumb actions.  And you knew I was incredibly biased and over protective of you and you were gentle with me about it.  You didn't belong to me but you were so so special to me.  I appreciated when you stayed up with me too late at night because I couldn't sleep or my mind was troubled.  You were there for me when my Boyfriend and I had our rough patch.  You've always been there and I have always appreciated you. Always.

And through this all, you had your own problems worries and sadness.  You never burdened me with them but sometimes you'd share.  And we related so well, so often.  And always, I wanted to pay you back for your kindness.  So I was extra kind to you.  I told you the honest truth about what I saw in you,  handsome, sexy, funny, incredibly dorky and so smart.  It hurt me when you couldn't see those things in yourself so I tried to beat it into you thick head.  I guess I took it too far because in your anger you told me that my affection for you was scary.  I never knew I came across as creepy to you.  I'm so sorry for that.  My goal was only for you to see in the mirror  what I and everyone else who knows you sees.   That is all.

But going back to these days.  I don't know what else to say about it.  I lashed out and struck hard.  I needed you to be sorry that you hurt me, even if it seemed illogical to you that I was hurt.  Even if you couldn't understand me, I wanted you to know that my pain was real.  Instead you sold me out and broke my trust in you.  And it kept snowballing and snowballing.

But you won when you made it clear that I mean nothing to you and you can't be hurt by losing me because me not being in your life is not a loss at all.

I need you to know though, Brandon, I never saw myself as your girlfriend or your wife or you as a possession of mine. Yes I was loyal to you.  Yes I was protective of you.  I definitely felt a love for you that wasn't at all romantic like you think.  It was, what I thought, real friendship.  

I said once that if we got super drunk together, I'd be just as okay with waking up with you in my bed as I would be with you crashing on the couch. It was the simpliest way I could describe how I felt for you.  Maybe love isn't the right word.  Maybe just..safe.  I don't know.

So I guess I'll tie up this wall of text now.  I wish things hadn't gone the way they had.  If I had to do it all over again, I can't say I wouldn't be upset but I certainly never would have fought with you.  A fight with you is something I never dreamed would happen.  And alienating you like I have, it never crossed my heart that it would happen.  But I did and you are.  

Please don't think too poorly of me in time...I'm so sorry Brandon, for everything.


User Comments

hey - sorry you feel this way, hope it gets easier soon x