Stupid

I've pretty much been distant from anyone for the majority of my life, for some reason people were nice to me, and I was nice to them, and sometimes we'd call eachother friends, but they still never knew anything about me. I'd always lie to my family, I don't know why, I still do. I lie to everyone, I've been lying to everyone for so long I'm actually starting to forget what the truth is. A few years ago, I was a freshman in a small town in the middle of nowhere, I don't really remember much from then because nothing ever really happened, I guess I was just pushing through. I was pretty angsty because I was some nerdy looking kid who listened to deathcore, and one day a girl moved to this town, and had to come to this shitty small school. I saw her and was instantly interested in her because she was wearing a shirt of a band that I was fond of at the time. Our first conversation was about the music we both listened to. I don't remember much honestly but I remeber I enjoyed talking to her, about anything really. I don't really remember how the conversation started, but one night we started talking about depression, maybe it was because we were talking about a band we both listened to. The band dedicated a lot of its songs to be about suicide, meant to try and deter certain people from suicide. I say "certain people" because the band went about convincing these people not to commit suicide by saying basically "You're a pussy if you commit suicide" and this band actually seemed to help a lot of people. I knew this but it didn't apply to me because I wasn't suicidal, (and this is where is starts I guess). So in this conversation about depression she told me that she had depression and used to/did cut herself, and for some reason I lied and said I had depression too, which I didn't. I then noticed some scars and cuts on her arms. (Just a note, I hate talking about this and I hate myself everyday for this). I don't know why but I like this girl way too much. That night I decided I'd wait a week or two before I started to cut myself. So the days and pass and the night comes where I do it, I make those really noticeable horizontal cuts on my wrist, and at school made them practically as noticeable as possible without seeming like I was flaunting to her, and of course one day she sees them, and confronts me about, saying all the things,"You can talk to me, I care about you", and I said all the things, blah, blah, blah. I cut myself she would feel bad for me and not think I was the soul-less psycho I am. We started talking more, I lied more, got a little closer, and then I started getting really nervous and didn't know what to say to her because I was a stupid piece of shit that didn't know how to maintain a "relationship". So I just didn't. I practically just stopped talking to her, just like that. She tried for a while then thought I didn't care anymore, I guess she wasn't wrong. I even avoided her in school. So a few months go by, nearly a year, and then I hear she's moving, and I still say nothing, not even a goodbye. A few months after that I realized how absolutely horrible what I did was, and have pretty much hated myself everyday since then, its just that I've gathered more reasons to hate myself over time. About a year goes by and thats when I start thinking love isn't real, which I still have trouble thinking it is. And about two/three years after that, (a few months ago), I get into a relationship with a girl whos had a crush on me, for whatever fucking reason, since the 5th grade. And she loves me... she tells me everyday, and I tell her that everyday too, but I don't know if I really mean it. I lie to her too. I don't know why she loves me and I don't think she does either, she barely knows me, but I know her, and I know we don't have that much in common, she's a cheerleader and I'm a punk who draws shit, and other stuff obviously. She has depression and serious self image issues, and I try to help, I really do, but I never end up succeeding and somehow always end up making it about me. She trusts me completely, so if I ever say anything about my lying about it she'd be completely ruined. I think my greatest fear is the day when the relationship is going to end, since she loves me too much (shes said that too) and she blames herself for things that are in no way her fault, I'm so afraid that she'll harm herself in some way, and I think I've come to the conclusion that if something like that happens I'll probably kill myself. Because I just can't bear that. So yeah. I'm seeing a shrink now, I actually saw one during the whole fiasco with the first girl because my parents ended up seeing my wrist, and I never mentioned the situation to them, I made up pretty much everything. But with the one I'm seeing now I'm telling the truth mostly. I contradict myself so much when talking about my feelings and shit. So yeah, there's the bulk of it I guess, there's more stuff obviously but this story is already WAY too long, so uh, bye. And thanks for reading this too holy shit.

 

User Comments
Anon-1

This must be tough for you, I'm sorry you feel this way. Hope it works out with the counsellor.