Trapped by Anxiety

Anxiety has plagued my life for roughly eleven years now. It's been sitting within me this whole time watching, learning and morphing so that it might cement itself within my very foundations. The weight of it is so heavy that it stops me from growing and blossoming into the person I need and want to be. Unable to move I've had to watch people dance past me, creating experiences and worthwhile lives for themselves. Meanwhile I'm here, stuck in a life that has little worth. I have no independence, no social life, no experiences. Nothing.

I wish I could tell you where this has stemmed from; I feel that would make it easier, more understandable. But again there's nothing, no horrific incident, neglect or abuse. The first memory I have of feeling a sense of anxiety was when I was in lower school sitting in a classroom. It was almost like I had suddenly woken up from the protective, innocent bubble of childhood. So I began to cry.

From that moment on my anxiety has shapeshifted dramatically over the years. In the beginning it revolved around the idea of needing the toilet in public and soiling myself. I have no idea why this became a problem, because it never was a problem - it never happened! But for some reason I was just terrified of going out places and needing the toilet. As the years passed though and I finished middle school, this became less of a concern. The fear is still slightly there at the back of my mind, especially when my anxiety gives me Irritable Bowel Syndrome, but I can rationalise now that this is unlikely to be a problem.

Perhaps these early fears made me weak and vulnerable and even maybe a little confused. I didn't know how to fit in. I was weird and unlike everybody else. During the course of my schools years this became more and more apparent. I made people feel uncomfortable and consequently I was disliked, but I didn't know why or how - what was wrong with me? What wasn't I seeing that everyone else was? Needless to say I now suffer terribly with social anxiety. 

Social anxiety paired with generalised anixety means that I now lead quite an isolated life. My days are spent at home living with my parents whom I rely on far too heavily for social interaction, transport, entertainement etc., thus consequently I'm greatly lacking independence. Here though I daydream and fantasise about my ideal life - a life without anxiety and fear - a life where I can be happy and fulfilled. I think this is how my brain has learnt to cope with my anxiety and depression. It's protecting me from the truth. Creating a barrier between me and reality, so that I don't become overwhelmed and crushed by how bad things really are. I understand I can't stay this way. I gain comfort from it but no real sense of achievement or fulfilment, but I'm just so scared of confronting my reality. What if I can't make things better for myself?

I'm unsure of what my next step is. I fear that I can't and never will see the staircase that will lead me out of this pit. I recently visited the doctors hoping that I'd gradually be guided to the exit. I was given antidepressants. Medication. Medication. Is this the first step? Somehow it feels like a step backwards. Maybe it will help, but I can't help but still feel as though I'm stuck at the bottom of this pit. I need a helping hand to get me out, to show me the potential my life can have and to give me a sense of worth. For now though I'm trapped in this pit.


User Comments

I'm sorry you feel like this, anxiety can be paralysing.  Medication can help you, but I know it can take several weeks to start working effectively.  I wouldn't give up on it just yet.  I'm not a professional but my medication took around two months to start working properly.

The way I deal with my anxiety is by following this rule - "The best cure for anxiety is action".  It doesn't have to be a massive action, take small steps and keep in mind each step is progress.  Don't get disheartened if you fail in the action, be pleased you took the action.  Honestly, it works for me so maybe it will work for you.

Hope you feel a bit better soon.