anxiety -__-'

So I could write about my entire life story here, about how I never had any genuine friends, how I just twice tried to call an anxiety hotline and barely managed to utter a word or maybe I could drivel on about how my future is bleak, but that I'm pretty sure i've written that splendidly 1000 times and not a soul has cared...because I wrote it to myself of course. I'm 19, college dropout and on the sweet conveyor belt known as my shitty (boring) life. I want to do something about it but the most I can do without being sent to an mental asylum is scream colourful words in my head or huff angrily in despair. I don't even think it's staying at home all day or falling asleep at six in the morning is the bad part. The bad part is sharing a room with my crappy sister who is my polar opposite. My room is so fantastically designed to be out of sunlight's way and in a place where no air can enter or leave. Could be left up to the imagination what happens when- Well. I want to go outside and do SOMETHING. The most I get around to doing when I do get outside is walking in circles, going into the supermarket and buying a pack of yogurts (maybe a tub of icecream) and going back home to down the lot. My area is inconveniently placed too far away from any decent parks and is slightly far away from the one big supermarket. It's only five minutes away but when you need a quick fix of food I wouldn't be bothered to go there. Oh yeah. Anxiety. Anxiety really is an interesting thing. I am both shy and the very opposite of shy thanks to it. No matter how many times I have tried, I cannot shut my mouth from my spew of thoughts so I end up talking to myself, rather frequently. It's kinda sad but at the same time it's a coping mechanism for not talking to anybody all day and night. I don't even have any online accounts because I'm kinda paranoid so when I say I don't talk to anybody, it's both offline AND online. Eye contact I cannot stand. If you try to hug me (family or not) I will destroy you (not really lol, but a disgusting angry grin will be seen forming on my face) and small talk longer than 10 minutes numbs my brain to mush and then I run out of energy, which is ironic, because I do exactly that to my family. At home everything is different though. I wasn't ever fit to be around people but even I enjoy talking...a lot...about pointless crap. But hearing it from a stranger who you are forced to listen to is another thing all together. Talking to someone who already knows you are trash and still listens to you is nice, because you don't have to spend energy moulding the words 'shut the F- up' in your brain to 'Thank you very much, that was most informative'. If we argue we are still forced to live under one roof, and I know damn sure I won't have enough money for a while to find my own place, so I can forget about that. Even introverts need chatter. My mind is empty now so I guess I have nothing left to write that's 'relevant'. Byes are crappy so meh.

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