16, life is over

Depression sucks. I literally can't think of any reason to live really. 

 

Some background information I guess. I'm 16 years old. I got depression and probably social anxiety. Yes, I'm going to a therapist. And I've taken a couple antidepressants but they don't do anything really.

 

When I was a kid my parents got divorced real young (but it never really bothered me). My mom had custody of me for the first 15 years of my life. We lived at my grandparents house, because my mom works at a grocery store because she dropped out of college and never actually did anything else. I'd go to my dads every second weekend, and he met my step mom shortly after (and he has an actual job) so he actually had a house. Most of this didn't bother me besides a few things. My grandparents and mom would argue over stupid shit (didn't bother me till I was like 12 because before I was oblivious + I think they tried not to in front of young me). And I had to share a room with my mom + sister until I was like 13-14 and they built a room for my sister. (And I made my mom sleep on the couc). Also this made it kinda difficult to have friends over or do my own shit. After last year, my dad has primary custody and now I go to my moms every other weekend. (Mainly because my depression got pretty bad last year, I lost quite a bit of weight, had terrible grades, called out sick way too often etc.)

 

Also I have a lot of health problems. When I was 6 I found had ulcerative colitis. Went to a shit ton of doctors and stuff, took a ton of meds and got to chill with old people on chemo. The next year I went down to Boston and they removed my colon and gave me some artificial one that works basically the same(not one of those external ones, no cleaning or anything. Real nice shit). Now my only relevant symptoms are that I occasionally get pretty sick again, and at night ever since my surgery I sometimes shit myself when I sleep. (Don't ask why). I also have some problems like arthritis and stuff. Makes it hard to be active or whatever, so I never really was. Also I got the depression and social anxiety. And probbably undiagnosed shit because I'm fucked medically + mentally.

 

I never really had many friends. When I was small I had really good grades + lots of "friends". But never anyone who really was a good friend. I never went over kids houses or anything, but I was well known/liked. (Now that I think about it my depression probably started at a small level when I was in 5th grade) When I went to middle school it was mostly the same. I started to make a few better friends who I joked with but otherwise the same old. Then the next year our group kinda drifted apart, I didn't really have any friends that year. I also got my first bad grade. Next year is mostly the same, around halfway through I start talking to some old friends again and its kinda the same but I'm even more of an "outsider" this time. I get around half split bad/good grades that year. Now I'm in high school I still talk to these people and meet a couple others. Still never have contact with anyone outside of school. I get pretty bad grades in general. I realize I'm probably depressed. I'm an outsider of my friend group (we were those kids with no table, and I was the kid sitting slightly farther away, who didn't even get talked to every day). I fail a couple classes and stuff. My dad gets custody and now its this year. I start seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants. I have around average grades this year (I am actually trying + they gave me easy classes. In previous years I had the smart classes because all my teachers thought I was smart but needed to apply myself or smth) I honestly haven't met anyone yet though.

 

I guess my problem is that I can think of litteraly 0 reasons why anyone would like me. I have like no interests. All I do is play video games, browse the internet, and listen to music, and ride my bike. And I hate doing all those like 90% of the time. When I'm done with those I'll cry and go to sleep. Your going to tell me to do other stuff, but I have honestly tried tons of creative/impressive talents or hobbies over the years, but I always sucked ass at them and lost motivation. The only good quality I have is that I'm supposed to be funny sometimes. I don't really even know who I would be friends with. I guess I could just look for the nerdiest looking table and hope they play the same games, but I don't really enjoy them, and I'm really scared of talking to people. The only person I really want to know at my school so far is this girl (you can stalk my post history I guess for that) but I can't imagine she'd ever like me unless she just feels bad. 

 

Oh, also not one person has tried to contact me from my old school. Not even a Facebook friend request (let alone a message)

 

I honestly don't have a reason to live. My biggest accomplishment is that I'm almost as good as the average league of legends player. My grades are average at best, I have no skills, tons of health problems, never had or will have friends (I don't know how to talk to people), I don't enjoy ANYTHING

 

 

User Comments
Anon-1 Please don't give up. Life will get better. Severe depression is a horrible illness but if you get the right meds the blackness will lift. Get online and find a psychiatrist in your town. Or just a family doctor. You will need more than one trial of med. Don't give up! I have severe depression too, as do both my kids your age. Meds can help open your mind to see the good in life.