Romance was ruined for me years ago

Four years ago, my freshman year in high school, I was in a relationship with a girl that in hindsight I should have never gotten myself involved in. It took me until just now to realize how fucked up I've been since then. I'm ashamed it took me this long and I still don't know what to do with myself, some things have gotten better but I was absolutely ripped apart and I'm still not together again, this much later...

So much happened so fast then. I knew things were going too quickly for me, but I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't have the nerve to talk it out and fix things as they happened and that fucked me over. So so so much.

I tried so so hard in that relationship–it was my first after all–but despite that she still didn't trust me, she still accused me of cheating on her. I always tried to support and encourage her, but she still got jealous of my accomplishments. I never thought someone I felt so good about could make me feel so bad about myself, and feel like I was doing so much wrong. 

Things you're supposed to enjoy aren't supposed to become a source of brutal anxiety. Intimacy and connection shouldn't drive a person to the verge of anxiety attacks. So how did that happen to me? Why'd that have to fuck me up so bad? I spent two years too scared to open up to even my closest of friends and family and therapists. I spent three years absolutely petrified of sex. The only way to keep my anxiety in check was to avoid those situations at all costs. Even though it has gotten better now, those scars are still there and I'm still weary of so much, I'm still scared of opening up to people and getting in a sexual relationship again. 

I finally got comfortable enough with myself and someone else to take a step towards a romantic relationship–four years later. I thought her and I were a great fit for each other, for the first time in so long I was confident enough with someone to tell her how I felt. Things seemed to be going so so well then; I thought we really had something, I thought I was finally healed–that I wasn't too broken. But of course things can't just work out... I can't for a moment blame her for not wanting a relationship. Her semester was rough beyond comparison–I completely understand that. I'm glad we were able to hold onto our friendship still, I wouldn't give that up, that means a lot to me still. She means a lot to me still.

It's just so hard though to think that you might be fine, to feel unafraid after so many years of cowering from what hurt you, only to have something you were working so hard towards, that you felt so good about, not work out. That kind of letdown after so many years of feeling broken doesn't help to right those feelings. Is there something wrong with me? Am I too permanently broken for someone else? I just don't know about myself anymore... I finally started to love myself again, to feel good about who I am and what I do, but am I missing something? Is there something out of my control? Am I ruined beyond repair? I just want to know that I can still be in a relationship that doesn't leave me in fear and confusion...

User Comments
Anon-1

Hey sorry you have felt so bad.  If you question yourself and don't have self worth then any relationship will be difficult as you will be constantly questioning it.  Work on yourself and it will help.

Anon-1

The right person will understand and embrace all that you are, including your depression or feelings, they make you unique and who you are.  Don't give up hope.