Some day I'll be triumphant, but now isn't that time


I am a 23 year old aspiring physicist. At the age of 17 I lost my mother to terminal breast cancer. Her and I were not on the best of terms and by time I realized my idiocy it was too late. She too was the only person to have been supportive of my dyslexia. Interested that I cared about physics. As for the rest of my family, surely they care but it was never with the genuine nature that my mom had. I've tried to fill the hole left in my life with dear friends. I find it harder and harder to talk to my life long friends. I cannot make new friends at school either. It's like a person who I'm not manifest and people love that person instead of the real me. I have no diagnosed personality disorder of any kind but I cannot stand to go to work because it means I have to talk to someone. It makes me anxious just thinking of it. I find it hard to motivate myself to wake up or cool myself food let alone eat. I'm becoming a drone and it's not in the least bit safe for myself. With each passing day I try to rationalize suicide and don't solely because it would be inconvenient for my family. Never any reason for myself to want to extend my own life. I'm failing all my classes in graduate school. I have a cheating love in ex gf who won't move out for another three weeks. I just sold my car of 10 years because some idiot hit and run. The only one person I ever actually loved in the area I go to school was the one that got away. I can hardly read a book without getting anxious. Everything on Netflix sucks now. Music is worthless (to be fair though I never liked music in the first place). I'm surrounded by people who claim to be my friend but when I need support they are no where to be found. My life is full of deception, cheating, and lose lose situations. I'm exhausted of never being one of those people in life who have it all. Easy academic lifestyle and an easy social life. They have zero appreciation of it. I work my ass off every day to feel adequate for the world and nothing ever comes from it. Idiots make me want to kill myself, lack of a genuine community makes me want to kill myself, my lack of hope in the world wants me to kill myself. It's like I have a gun to my head and I'm just waiting for someone to do stupid enough so that I pull the trigger (I don't own a gun, it was a metaphorical expression). 

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