Stop. I know. I know how self distructing this is. I can't fucking help it. I can't help that my depression gives me anxiety and my anxiety gives me depression and they both work together to keep me from getting help. I know. I hate it but I can't just push through it. It's not like a common fear of spiders. It's more like not sleeping and eating for a few days and being dumped in a pool of hungry sharks. Your adrenaline is so high that you shake but you're so tired, you can't do anything about it. And you are so tired you debate whether it is better for me to keep swimming so I can live a few secs longer with anxiety or let go and drown so I won't feel any pain dying.

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