I feel kinda broken

I'm not sure who will read this, if anyone. But I've been told this helps, and I've never been one to turn down help. So here I am.

For the past couple of years I've felt broken. Not in the "Aaaargh I've broken my arm" sense (though I did have a damn good go at it biking in the alps). More of a incompleteness, like an 100 piece puzzle with 20 pieces missing. Most of me is here, but not all, and sometimes it feels like those 20 pieces are the most important. I'm sitting at my desk, in my chair, typing on my keyboard. Isn't technology wonderful. Well, some of the time. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, hiding my emotions by masking them with admittedly mediocre metaphors.

I haven't seen my parents in a while, around 6 months, but I guess that's what happens when you go to uni. Ah uni, it really isn't all it's cracked up to be. I mean the course is fantastic, I've never felt more comfortable in a learning environment. But uni is really fucking messy (sorry for the vulgarity, but it is). Drinking, partying, meeting a load of new people. It's like I've been thrust into a completely different country, and I can't speak the language, much less adapt to the environment. I wouldn't call myself a drinker, I'll have a cider every so often, and gin and tonic is nice, but you won't find me knocking back vodka on a regular basis (mainly because it's disgusting). I've never been into drugs either, I'd rather have a clear head, and I'm often the one dealing with the drunks at the party, which I don't mind, as long as my friends are safe.

I've gone way off topic here, majorly, but that's kinda how I write, like a strange unorganised diary. I'm hoping for a change, I really am, but right now I can't see one. And the scary thing is I know that I need to make the change, but I'm too scared to do so. I guess that makes me a coward, but hey, the cowards never got shot in the war right? Or maybe they did, I'm not familiar enough with WW1 and WW2 to pass judgement.

Off topic yet again, though at this point I'm not sure if there is one. The writing at the top is telling to "write what is on your mind". Shit, if I wrote most of what was on my mind here, I'd probably have a paramedic here. Though again I'm not sure how the NHS would handle that, probably just get the health secretary to pretend that people like me don't exist. So he can kick back in his million dollar mansion and relax.

 

I think I'm gonna leave it here. This has sort of worked, hopefully it'll last.

If you are still here thanks for sticking with me through my ramblings,

Have a good day,

Yours faithfully,

R.

User Comments
Anon-1

Hey :) I don't know if this is any help, but I really like how you write. Reading your story and the write what is on your mind part really cheered me up so thank you.

Making a change is always difficult, I get that. Fear of the unknown is a consuming thing, but fear of remaining the same should be just as bad and it takes a small step to start making changes. I hope you are able to change what you need o in time and wish you all the best.