Pain. Hurt.Sadness

I'm a 22 year old girl. I first battled with my demons when I was 17 and attempted to end my life. But I'm still here living the nightmare which became an on going thing. I suffered the death of my great nan who was like a second mum to me and then a year later I lost my other nan very suddenly so in the space of a year I lost my nan and her daughter. It was heartbreaking and I don't think I ever grieved but told myself I did. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions but unfortunately it's got the better of me and from the age of 17 I'm now currently going through my 4th nervous breakdown. I always said when I was having my breakdowns that it was the worst one. But currently I had to hold my hands up this time and admit defeat. The pain and punishment I put myself through daily is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Sometimes the only way I think the pain and hurt I feel with no specific reason will end is to take my own life. My anxiety gets unbareable sometimes and the only way to describe it is pain. That I do believe I deserve for what reason I won't ever know. I was always the one growing up caring for my family member first so I never felt able to talk to them about how I felt, my biggest problem now is I find it so hard confiding in people because I always feel like I'm boring or I will be judged for being over dramatic. Being mentally ill isn't visible so no one can see the pain I go through daily and it is emotionally and mentally draining. I just would hope one day it will ease slowly? I'm about to start CBT which I'm apprehensive about as I had CBT a few years ago when I was diagnosed with PTSD and didn't find It helpful but the only good thing was I managed to face my fear and over come my PTSD. Feeling lonely and scared even in a room full of people is the worst feeling a person especially me feels. I find it hard putting myself first and I know I should but it's a hard habit to break. I am at my last resort now that's why I'm here writing this because maybe reading other people's stories may help me on my painful sad dark journey. I always tell myself I should hold my head high and be brave but sometimes the only thing you can do is keep your head above water to stop you from drowning. To finish this I do know one little positive thing is that my first outburst was 5 years ago and I'm still here to tell the story I guess that's an achievement in itself? 

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