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I'm a 22 year old girl. I first battled with my demons when I was 17 and attempted to end my life. But I'm still here living the nightmare which became an on going thing. I suffered the death of my great nan who was like a second mum to me and then a year later I lost my other nan very suddenly so in the space of a year I lost my nan and her daughter. It was heartbreaking and I don't think I ever grieved but told myself I did. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions but unfortunately it's got the better of me and from the age of 17 I'm now currently going through my 4th nervous breakdown. I always said when I was having my breakdowns that it was the worst one. But currently I had to hold my hands up this time and admit defeat. The pain and punishment I put myself through daily is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Sometimes the only way I think the pain and hurt I feel with no specific reason will end is to take my own life. My anxiety gets unbareable sometimes and the only way to describe it is pain. That I do believe I deserve for what reason I won't ever know. I was always the one growing up caring for my family member first so I never felt able to talk to them about how I felt, my biggest problem now is I find it so hard confiding in people because I always feel like I'm boring or I will be judged for being over dramatic. Being mentally ill isn't visible so no one can see the pain I go through daily and it is emotionally and mentally draining. I just would hope one day it will ease slowly? I'm about to start CBT which I'm apprehensive about as I had CBT a few years ago when I was diagnosed with PTSD and didn't find It helpful but the only good thing was I managed to face my fear and over come my PTSD. Feeling lonely and scared even in a room full of people is the worst feeling a person especially me feels. I find it hard putting myself first and I know I should but it's a hard habit to break. I am at my last resort now that's why I'm here writing this because maybe reading other people's stories may help me on my painful sad dark journey. I always tell myself I should hold my head high and be brave but sometimes the only thing you can do is keep your head above water to stop you from drowning. To finish this I do know one little positive thing is that my first outburst was 5 years ago and I'm still here to tell the story I guess that's an achievement in itself?
I'm searching for anyway to survive. No one, no one knows how hard it is to even be awake today. I'd do anything to relieve the debilitating pain. Yet, somehow, I'm still here and functioning. I'm going to focus on making dinner for my kids tonight. If I can make until then I'll have made it another day. ...