Good day, I would like to say everything that is on my mind, never did this before, but I would really like to get some feedback. Sorry in advance for any grammatical mistakes, im not a native english speaker.

Little background how it all started: Everything started to change when I saved some money and got my first tattoo on the fore-arm. My parents woke me up in the middle of the night, my mother was crying saying that I have ruined my life, that I will never get a proper job, etc. This was a knife in my heart. Seeing my mother sobbing and both parents telling me things like this. I felt terrible and I still do whenever I remember this. Of course they were not mad on me forever, when we talk they seem to have forgotten this, but I will never forget it.

I am a 20 year old guy who lives ~2000 kilometers away from his home country (studying purposes) since 2014 August. Since I left my home country everything is falling apart. I am studying in a city which is crowded with students like me (~60% of population in city is students) which leads to my first point: I can not find a part time job. I have to ask my parents for money to support myself and I feel terrible about it, because I know that they are not in the best position, of course they are saying that they will help me and I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it, I feel terrible every-time I have to ask them for money. Don't get me wrong, Im not a guy who is sitting on his ass all day playing video games. I managed to get a job as a painter for some time, but the job is not legal, meaning that I get lowest possible amount of money (I get a daily salary, which is ~4 times less then people who work legally) of course while being a student its way better then nothing, but by the end of the month I have to ask my parents for help again. On top of that, job is not stable, for example now the next time I could work is May or June. I have also thought about starting to deal some weed, but my father made me to promise I would never do that.

The man for whom I was working as a painter told me that I am a good, hard-working kid and he is trying to help me with job, he offered me to give training in the kitchen so I could work a proper legal part-time job after that at his restaurant. I have never felt so happy in months. Sadly this lasted only for a day, because he couldn't pull all the strings to make this happen. I feel devastated again, back to the same position where I was, except now I have ~36$ in my savings, and again, its the end of the month. I have to pay my rent meaning I will have to call my parents and ask for money again.

All these things come to one basic thing: I can not enjoy my life. Its a student city where every weekend something is happening, but I can not go anywhere because I can not afford entry tickets and even if I manage to go somewhere, i start to feel a huge social anxiety. I have a terrible opinion about myself, everyone seems to be much happier and better people. I don't have many friends also, maybe 1 or 2 but I would call them just people I know, because I would never share something like this with them. Hell, I wouldn't share it with anyone in person, because I don't want to become some kind of burden.

I have a lot on my mind but its really hard to put it in a words. It might sound stupid that I am devastated because of the lack of money and I am pretty sure people who post here have a lot of bigger problems, but I really need some help and clever opinions, because every day I become more and more unhappy.

User Comments

hey - sorry about the job situation, that really sucks.  Must be really difficult. Are your parents understanding about the money? Can you get some work around what you are studying? I know its tough but if you are trying, which it seems to me like you really are, then you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Its circumstance not an issue with you causing these problems.

Hope things improve for you soon x