WHY AM I STILL HERE????

i hate my job, i work with people in jail to help them get re-entry services for when they are released. i don't make enough money to live. i'm 40 years old with a masters degree and am on my dissertation for a phd, and my mother has to give me money to live. i don't care anymore. how can i help others when i just want to die. i regret not killing myself at age 14. my coworker will not shut the fuck up. she talks constantly from the time she comes in to the time we leave. she is always by my side. i have no quiet space. i hate the noise, make the noise stop. i just want to go away. i don't want this life anymore. i cut and burn myself, but it doesn't make it go away. i just want to die already. take 5 sleeping pills and take a nap in the garage with the car running. i am typing this and almost in tears and she still will not shut up. i am withdrawing from my meds. i am in physical pain. i have no money to go to the doctor or get new meds. i can't support myself. i have no husband or kids. if i died, no one would even notice for at least a week. i have nothing to live for. i am so tired. meds don't work, therapy doesn't work. why do people want you to live? isn't it my choice? what is so good about life anyway? it doesn't get better. it hasn't gotten better for the last 5 years. i have not felt well for 5 years. nothing changes. new jobs don't help. i am so tired. just make it stop.

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