Self-destructive.

Some random social worker said that i should be proud of what i did. For you see, i was homeless. For me being homeless meant that there was no-one out, or should i say in there to care. Well that and the fact that i was literately fucking homeless.

I wont bore you with the details. A quick summery would contain a very bad youth, a violent past, a little bit of drugs and way to much gay sex. Don't worry I don't contain any STD's or the like. This vessel is still clean, minus a broken tooth i now have because of all the candy i used to steal from the candy shop as a little kid. How ever, you may have noticed shit got worse. mainly with family, so i broke contact in horrific fashion. Around that time i also decided to break contact with any remaining friends and relatives. This is where the drugs and sex with men takes off.

Few years later, I find my self homeless and still feeling that burden of a broken family home. But i am not dead yet, or so i thought. I managed to find work whilst being homeless. To add to that, i was offered longer term contracts each time at every employer i worked for. I refused to die in some gutter, so that hardened me and made me work my ass off at times. It paid off and i ended up working for this small hotel on a beach.

On my first day as dishwasher in the hotel i was given some torn trousers to big for my size, and a shirt a size to small. I fucking kid you not. On top of this pile of folded clothing lay a white sticker on which my name was spelled wrong and some people never got it right. I threw the sticker in the trash and went to work. All i wanted to do was to be left alone, get my money, find a place to live, and pay off any debt before i reached 30. I am 28 now btw.

Having to re-establish a more social contact turned out to be a bit harder then expected. Watching everyone just living normal lives unaware of the fact that you were living out of a backpack made it difficult to speak. But it did not take them long before I was invited to the first party. At one time i used my paycheck money just to book a hotel for the night so i could drop my stuff and party all freaking night long with coworkers. Plenty of drugs went around.

Working well paid off so the hotel discussed my contract with the temp agency and offered me a company contract. I don't know if they knew, but i managed to get them to agree for collateral for a house. My plan did not change, i was one step closer to getting my life straight, alone. I would wait out the summer before i would start on my taxes. But the strangest thing happened that made me question my path in life.

There was this girl, (yes it's always a girl). It was a girl that made me see how evil those of my own blood can be. And throughout the years there was always some (different) woman around for better or worse. This crazy ass chick however did nothing but make me lose my focus and self destruct. I am cool with gay sex, but a woman is a creature i could fall in love with. But unfortunately humans in general often experience difficulties when granting a stranger some honesty.

She was no different. For the longest time i had a crush on her and she on me. She would make remarks and bend over while asking if i would join her in that storage closet. All i could think of was 'bitch, i'm homeless why are you even into me. must be because i still wash daily'. Of course i never said a word and pretended that i was not interested. After some time she even started proclaiming that i was gay. Which by the way might not have been far from the truth it still made me a bit angry. We had periods where we ignored each other and were just mean to each other.

I never cared for who she really was, to me she was just a very hot 22 year old girl with big tits and a nice ass. That just happened to think i'm hot for whatever reason. I never inquired to who she really was, as i did with nearly all coworkers. I knew the basics age and name, the occasional hobby or social status. But kept it to a minimum because hanging out with them would make me spend money which was needed for the house and bills.

I tried to get higher up within the company, but got rejected for being to crude at times. Still that put me in a position with other coworkers that could make me employee of the year. My accomplishments from being alone, depressed, homeless and suicidal to a very stable life with new doors opening up if i could maintain my work ethic and snatch that EotY would skyrocket me to space. Those were the dreams, and then it nearly became reality.

But space...

This crazy ass chick with whom i had been going back and forth with over the past year or so. Told among other coworkers about a bunch of boats her father owned. I tried to show no interest in the subject and went back to work. Sometime later a male coworker left to work elsewhere and as usual a going away party was scheduled. Now This guy who was having the party was basically the only dude at work who could even remotely understand what i have been through. Still he did not know that i was homeless the last time we partied together. I did not go because i did not have the money for it. I was trying to pay my bills and waiting for the right tax papers to come in.

We did become good friends so not showing up did piss him off and retaliation was justified, even in my eyes. He snitched all the shit i ever told him, that includes bad parts of my life when i was high and he was sniffing his cocaine. He told a few coworkers but most importantly he told her. And this crazy ass girl kinda fell in love after hearing some things about me that were not work related. He even showed a them where i lived since i was no longer homeless and he happened to live around the fucking corner.
She also happened to live a few blocks away and started coming by my house yelling at my window that she was in love with me. Send other girlfriends after me while stalking me on the street from her car. Hacking my WiFi and even at work i could no longer ignore my coworkers who were in on it. Just making eye contact from a distance would make her smile so much i became worried that her jaw might break.

Now how could she do all this like the hacking, was she skilled in hacking ? Well it turns out that when she told me that she always gives her bank account up as her phone number the first time around (yea i asked for it after she flirted a few times), was true expect for one thing. I had to add a zero at the end. Those boats did not sail across ponds i can tell you that. I also immediately understood why she was single. She could pay for anything. Just use social networking and you always have the right person with you for the right price, female hackers included.

And this is the part i go crazy and self destruct. I could have become delusional or plain insane for even suggesting that i could go from rags to riches in such a fashion. I could outlive my family as the person i want to be. And i wanted to be a good person. But it would be feel to perfect to be true, even for just a month i could see. that this crazy ass girl was playing to many games with lies, even when i told her that she can also just ring the fucking doorbell. I try to be honest but when people around me start to lie, i end up telling lies myself with a very self destructive force. I did not care how rich she was, it would have made me a liar. I got angry at my boss about this and quit my job. A week before that my boss told me that i was bothering people after work, when in fact this crazy fucking chick has been yelling at my windows so often that even my neighbors, heck my entire street knows who she was and what she was yelling at me.

Working at that hotel would only make it worse. I could no longer dodge these people for they knew exactly what my daily life looked like. I lived healthy, and exercised often. My life was in an elevator going up without me even pressing the button. The elevators had a remote control stationed in the front office near the lobby which also contained access to all the camera's in and outside the hotel. They would watch my reactions on the camera's in the elevator. She was a front office employee and always sat behind the control board when i needed an elevator. Whenever i did something funny in the elevator and entered the lobby i could see her nearly fall off her chair from laughing. On the day i quit my job she was picking up her father who came to visit from quite far away. She found out i quit and came by with a fucking helicopter. I was on my balcony smoking a joint to calm my head that afternoon, when i notice a low flying chopper across from where i live coming into view. It turns around showing the other side of the chopper. The door is open and i look her straight in the face. No fucking way that i have been smoking shrooms. The small chopper takes off in action movie style.

Weeks later it still feels like she checks up on me every once in a while. to see how my job hunt is going and probably wondering if i am going to kill myself after giving up on all that hard work. I did have a great time there, but i could not get along with all of them. Especially some breakfast cook that once even screwed me over with money. But my actions in leaving the hotel got all coworkers really mad at me. some of them had even promised me the EotY. So now i will probably lose the fucking house which i spend time and money restoring. I am out of a job and a letter came in this week from the police about an unpaid debt about a car i never owned. I am to be taken hostige if i can't (which i can't till the end of the month) pay right now. Shit, i never even had a drivers licence. Why the fuck do i have a car registerd on my name? Some fraudulent bastard who pretended to be family put a vehicle on my name without my consent. And now years later i find out that i need to pay for that shit. My life is shit and i just made the dumbest decision ever. Thus my suicidal thoughts have returned in the wake of becoming homeless again.

But there is light, doing my taxes can ensure that i can keep the house for a little bit longer. extending the time i have to find a new job and try again. I won't give in, not yet anyway.

From some random dude in Western Europe.

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