Something I gotta get off my mind

Where to start? Well Lets just take us back 6 months ago. I finally felt like I was the happiest in my whole entire life. I started hanging out with a girl who lived down the street and me and her became close instantly. We'd hang out all night sometimes till the sun came up and I'd walk her home. We talked a lot about our past and our plans for the future. I actually felt like I had a connection to her that I haven't felt in many years. Coming from a broken home I've never really felt close to any of my family members. I hide behind 100 different walls emotionally and mentally but somehow she broke down all those walls within a few days of hanging out. For story sake we'll call her Jessy.

Of course I had a lot of problems at the time. Binge drinking for weeks on end and constant drug use but I tried to keep it a secret from her. I defiantly tried to hide it as best as I could. Drinking anywhere from a pint to a filth before going to her house making sure to brush my teeth and use plenty of mouth wash. Eventually she met my friends though same kind of crowd and probably realized how serious my drinking and drug problem was. So after that I said fuck it time to reveal my true colors and see how her reaction was.

Honestly I was surprised. She didn't seem to mind all that much even when I was black out drunk or taking enough percocet to kill the average person. Smoking marijuana in looking at the winter sky while bricked out on xanax with your perfect women just made me feel amazing.

Trust me though our relationship had its ups and downs and was probably more dysfunctional than any other relationship I've had with a girl. We would argue a lot about my jealousy. See I thought her and one of my close friends had a thing behind my back and It was always a nagging concern in the back of my head that maybe something was going on. Eventually we worked through it though and I finally trusted her. (Think you can already tell this was a mistake).

So fast forward a couple weeks around my birthday (Valentines day). Of course I was somewhere between wasted and blacked out and this is when me her were kinda at a breaking point. I guess I forgot to mention that she had a boyfriend when we were having our thing.. That boyfriend apparently decided to break up with her on my birthday. So what does that lead too? Her treating me like I'm nothing and that I don't matter to her in the slightest. Which really turned a switch in my brain to become out of control. I started thrashing shit around my friends house and started to threaten her. Calling her names that I wont repeat just so I don't look like the bad guy in this situation.

I turned into a complete psycho and in my drunken stupor I decided I was going to go jump of the train tracks and kill myself. Luckily my friends held me down and pretty much beat the shit out of me before I could even make it down the street. Which I am thankful for looking back. Good guys. Anyways. After that night I decided hey time to get back at this selfish bitch (my mindset at the time). So what do I do? Invite her cousin over who has always had a thing for me. I was taking klonopin around this time so whether I would of did this sober or not is up for debate.

Anyways her cousin comes over to one of my friends house and within 30 minutes we were in his little brothers room having sex. (His brother has never forgiven me for doing that)

The sex was good but not how I imagined. The room was pitch black. You could be standing right in front of me and I wouldn't of been able to see you. First time I've had sex completely naked which felt strange (that's kinda weird now that I think about it I've never been completely naked in front of somebody whatever lol). Anyways, after a good 20 minutes of banging and we were back in my friends living room. Decided to hit a blunt a few times then the cousin and me were off to my house to pass out. I thought everything was gonna work out that me and her could be together but of course no. Nothing in my life can ever work out the way I want it too. She had a boyfriend too. Which I didn't know until I asked her to stay with me. "I can't I love him" was along the lines of what she said.

Coulda fooled the fuck outta me. So I'm back at square one. Jessy didn't know and at this point I thought I should tell her because I didnt wan't her hearing if from somebody else. Secretly in the back of my mind I wanted to get the upper hand with this information. To feel like I got one over on her for the way she treated me. Wanna know a little life tip? You will never get the upper hand on a women. Ever. So I told her that the cousin and I had sex which her cousin confirmed. What did all of this accomplish? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Besides Jessy totally cutting me off from even talking to her.

Blocking me off of all social media sites and not answering my texts or phone calls. Which made me feel even more like a maniac with a death wish. Around this time I started to feel more empty and hollow. The alcohol only made me more violent. Several fights with my friends confirmed that. So What do I do?

Turn to my old friend. Opiates, not heroin or any street drug like that. No I'm talking about the opiates of the pharmaceutical nature. Vicodin, Percocet, Morphine, and of course the lesser known rare beauty Dilaudid. All easy to come by, me being a young adult with so many drug addict friends you could fill a phone book with their names.

The closest one being my neighbor. Closest in distance and closest in my heart as being somebody that I could trust with anything. As the kids say it, we go way back.

My neighbor we'll call him Jerry. Was an interesting character to say the least. A retired GM worker who worked in the prime of GM being a drug den of sorts for factory workers. He seen it all, done it all. I looked up to him even though he was defiantly not the type of person people looked up too. He was tall and slender. He had long black hair that had greyed showing the signs of his age. Somewhere in the late 50s other than his grey hair he looked perfectly healthy for a person who has been doing hard drugs for around 20 years. He was wise in the fact that he had good advice for any problem I brought to him. He was mostly house bound stuck to his old TV watching the history channel and listening to rock and roll.

Anyways he was the man to go to because he would always share his drugs with me. He was prescribed Dilaudid 8 mg's and Klonopin 2 mg's. A combination that would send any drug user into a blissful state of euphoria and bliss. Me and him would hang out all night snorting the Dilaudid and eating the Klonopin like candy. Me and him would nod together listening to Led Zeppelin it was a good week that we did this ritual before Jerry ran low on his meds. It being only half way through the month I could tell that he was scared of running out. So I went on a mission to find him any opiates I could. I of course failed because I could not find anything that would match the Dilaudid. A puny Vicodin couldn't phase this man. So I gave up and sort of avoided Jerry. I was dealing with problems with Jessy. Who finally started answering my texts and was actually letting me come over to her house sometimes. We were doing the friend thing. Of course I thought it would turn into more.

So one night how I was hanging out with Jessy and one of my close friends. We'll call the close friend Luke. I get a phone call from my dad saying that their are a bunch of cops at jerry's house and my dad thought he was getting raided or something. Which to me didnt make any sense because all of his drugs were legit. I thought maybe he might of ordered some H. Something he hasnt done in a long time and he said he would never do again. But these were desperate times for him so I thought it might be likely. Maybe the H man got busted at his house. So of course I run back home to see what's going on. As I get to my yard and start walking up to his house a police officer yelled at me and told me to stay back. I asked what was going on. The look the police officer gave me was grim indeed. I again asked what the fuck was going on when he told me. He's dead. In my mind I thought "Dead? How is he dead?" I asked him. "Are you sure?" He said yes. I turned around and went back to my house. It was still February so I thought I'd watch from inside where its warm. As I watched more police cars and eventually a ambulance pull up. I realized that yes in fact he was dead. They pulled his body out on a stretcher and loaded it into the ambulance.

At the time I didn't know how he died. I thought maybe a drug overdose but he didn't have any drugs to overdose on. So that didn't make much sense. I learned the next day that it was a suicide. He had a single chamber pistol that he put to his head while he was on the phone with 911 and he just pulled the trigger while on the line with the emergency responder...

Bringing up a lot of memories. I'm sorry but writing all this has not exactly made me feel much better. I'll upload the pictures that I took that night of his house and the police. If I can find my old phone. I will update edvutally but writing this is taking a mental toll on me. Realize that this person was very close to me and not any drug in the world can take away the pain I feel just thinking about this. You can all gladly know that I am sober for the moment because of some court issues.

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