My downhill life

I don't have many friends, I used to be ok with it. I have ADHD and I'm pretty annoying. I had never been invited to anything until last July. One of my friends invited me to a restaurant with people that I had considered aqquanitences. I was so happy, I was actually in a friend group. I had known these kids since sixth grade but they never really invited me to anything. We went to the restiarenr every Tuesday until the summer was over, when school started things went downhill. I was on the hospital for depression, and I got out and they were very supportive. But then I made accusations against one of them. I remember the texts I sent in our group chat. I said horrible things, and I continued to rage at him for a month. I used excuses, I blamed it on my depression which only made the situation worse.midway through the whole thing his parents made him block me. It wasn't until November that I started talking to him again, I apologized and he said his parents wouldn't let him unblock me. So i only talked to him at school. I was no longer in the friend group. I had ruined it, something that I had always wanted. Things continued to go downhill. I was overweight because of a med which I had stopped taking in May. I got on Welbutrin mid October and began loosing weight really fast. I went from 164 to 118 within 3 months. My mindset began to change. I started restricting myself from food. I began weighing myself every morning and starved myself when I saw the scale raise. I continued to loose and within within a month and a half I had dropped to 112 pounds. I wouldn't eat, I only ate certain foods and counted calories excessively. I couldn't even get the will power to go above 1800 calories. I dropped to 110 pounds a month ago, and that's when's my doctor stepped in and told me I had to gain 2 pounds with in two weeks. I failed, she gave me another two weeks and said this time she would hospitalize me if I didn't I failed once again. I managsd to trick them, so she's giving me another two weeks. But now I have to see a dictation on Monday. But I can't bring myself to eat enough to gain weight. I'm starting to feel sick, I get dizzy for a few seconds when I stand up. I've had a cut on my hand for 3 months and it hasn't healed. This isn't the only thing Welbutrin has done. It has caused horrible anxiety, I constantly.think that I smell. I have asked people constantly which caused people to begin to dislike me. I always was told I didn't smell. But I couldn't help it. It tore apart my grades. Welbutrin also made me feel completely different. I lost all motivation I had for my school. My 4.0 freshman year went to a 2.6 first semester sophomore year. I don't feel the same, my brain is foggy. I know it's the Welbutrin but I fear if I get off it things will only go downhill even more because it has helped with my depression. However it's beginning to fail with that too. After New Years my friend tried to get his parents to let him unblock me. They wouldn't let him. I still can't get my friends back. I can't tell what it is. I think it's just that I'm annoying. My friend has given up and seems to not even care to be my friend anymore. It tears me apart, to think that I had something and then I ruined it. I'm trying hard to push back the suicidal rhoufhts.  I've come to this conclusion. I should be glad that I at least had them for a month a half. I have no one to blame but myself. However the depression is coming back and getting worse. I can't escape this. I didn't think a year ago when I was getting a 4.0 and having a good time that today I would be anexoric and depressed and lost all my friends.

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