Wasn't always like this

So I wasn't always feeling as bad as I feel now. In a way, I feel like I was once very charming, very fluid, very amiable...but now, I wake up and I feel like a ghost of a person not really there. I go through life and feel hollow to personality, I once expressed that I just felt like an abyss of a person, an abyss of any and all joy, personality, humanity, expression and intimacy. Even now when my family maybe does something nice for me, or anyone really, I feel emotionally impotent. I think I mask it well enough, my classmates think I am just quite and introverted. The truth is I'm not, or at least I don't feel like I initially was. I guess why I am posting this is I am not, by any means, diagnosed with depression. However, over easily the past year, probably closer to the past two years I feel like I have become a emotionally more and more so devoid person. My time spent awake often makes me feel numb with a strange sense of negativity, but not necessarily pessimistic negativity, just...emotional white noise. As a further progressed measure, I don't feel like I can identify any real support group in my life that doesn't have some intrinsic bias to looking at depression. My mother herself has expressed a rather radical opinion believing those who are driven to suicide by depression to be selfish and disregarding of the suicidal individuals loved ones. It has such become hard (if harder than it is normally), to talk about emotional/troubles, or troubles in general. My friendships aren't necessarily better, as I recently changed schools and have very few friends, and my old "friendships" were a group of people who seemed more politically intertwined, than they did intimately. I felt I came to be known as the backbone for much of the group, and I didn't necessarily mind that, and I took minor joy in the constant being overlooked personally. I don't want to be the individual who rushes to the forums when at the slightest sign of dark feelings, or jumping to the conclusion of a medical diagnosis with no medical professional has been consulted. That being said, each day at my old school, I remember vividly getting up, exhausted, overwhelmed and hateful, sitting through school, like a hollow shell or a puppet of a true person, being capable of putting on "the mask" that too many know too familiarly, and returning home, taking off the costume and just...bawling. I could never hold it in. I would cry ever. single. day. and I couldn't help myself. Initially I thought it was the school, and as I changed I felt great, but only briefly. Eventually I returned to that white noise of misery and just hollowness. I felt alone, and not the type of new school, no friends alone. I could have a million friends and I'd feel alone. I can sit at home with friends/family, and I will always be alone. The people I am surrounded by have no sense of any connection with who I truly am, they know me as the guy that does his work well, the guy that doesn't go out much, the quiet guy, the loner (not like white-kid shoot up the school types, but lonely enough), the guy that is constantly reading some research or doing something analytical as opposed to recreational. I feel like the loneliness and isolation are entirely pleasing, because they are the only places I can be myself as someone who needs/wants to cry at least 80% of the time. I just feel like every outlet of joy and fun and warm, exciting and happy emotions was just burned out of me, and I'm left in a place where I can never go reach them. I am a shadow of a person that once was and a footprint of an vacant soul's former self. I don't know if this necessarily matches up with how other people who have been diagnosed with depression feel like. I know I've heard the symptoms of depression talked about long enough, but I am far from an expert. I think part of me is posting this here so that if it's read it can be understood, and I can be in some manner affirmed I suppose. I can't prove I have depression, I can say I feel empty and alone and like all the colors of who I am have been "watered down" in manner of speaking. I don't know what I feel, but I know it's not right to feel like this, it's not normal to cry almost every day, and I can't see myself living like this in the future.

If you have any advice/experience in this subject it would be much appreciated. I have made steps to talk with my doctor currently. I don't know if I'm depressed necessarily, I'm aware that chronic sadness is also a similar state, but if anyone else can relate, confirmation on this issue and perspectives are greatly appreciated.

User Comments

Sounds to me like you have mild depression, but I'm no doctor.  Have you got anyone you can speak to about this?  Deffo go to the doctor, it seems hard but totally worth it as they will be able to help you.  Best wishes man, I feel like this too but I am sorting it out with a therapist - sometimes its tough but it had helped me.  Hope it helps you too.