This honestly worked for me...

I've been lurking on here, reading various stories about problems I share... Loneliness, Anxiety, Depression, OCD. 

I've been struggling with these all my life (that's more than 45 years). It started when I was very young. I think I first cut myself when I was eight (just to give some idea of my struggles). 

I was hospitalized for depression as a teen. Went on being depressed, lonely, cutting, disordered eating, till my late 20s. I tried many medications, but always stopped taking them because of side-effects, or because"I didn't need them anymore," or because I was terrified of weight gain.

So, when am I gonna tell you what worked? Now I guess, but I have to add a caveat... It worked for me, but it's a scary thought and I suppose it could be dangerous. I'm even wondering if this document will stay live...

I was 26. Someone I was close to had recently died. My relationship broke up, and I had been diagnosed with a progressive chronic illness, all in the same year. And I was still depressed, without medication. I was so horribly, horribly miserable, every single morning I would wake up wishing I had died in the night. People I trusted told me, "It'll get better," but it didn't. 

I didn't want to kill myself. I just wanted to die. I was worried what committing suicide would mean for my family. I love them very much. 

I finally told myself "If you live the next two years, and I mean really live it (not just lie in bed and wait for it to be over), if you find that after two years you still want to kill yourself, you can do it."

I know it probably seems ridiculous, but having this deadline worked for me. It didn't make me happy, or even less miserable, but I stopped agonizing about killing myself, and...

Surprise, surprise... Two years later I didn't want to kill myself. I was engaged, to someone I had met a couple of months after I gave myself the ultimatum. I had started taking Paxil, which was really working well for me, and I was happy. Not like ecstatic every day, but what I imagine neurotypical happiness to be.

i bet you think it ends here. 

Sadly, it doesn't. Happily, I don't want to kill myself, but I'm terrified of dying...

I've had some major setbacks including an ill-advised change in medication that messed me up somehow. I now have to take three times as much Paxil, and even with that, my anxiety is so debilitating I can't work. I'm depressed again, and I feel quite lonely. We've moved across the country from family and friends. 

So, the deadline was a good solution. Killing myself will never again be an option. Things do get better. It doesn't mean they won't get worse again, but they will also get better again.

 

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