Stuck and overwhelmed

I am stuck in my life, slowly drowning in sadness. I have not been able to assimilate into the society, as so many of other people have been. Ever since I have remembered my life, it has always been a performance. Interaction with people is an 'examination' which I have been taking for my entire life, with a large dose of accompanying anxiety, and have been failing every time.

I am supposed to take care of myself at my age of 34, but I cannot. I do not understand the rules of the society. I am too slow in my mind and my thinking. I feel only anxiety and now annoyance and hatred of people. I can no longer take the examination that is my life. If I were writing this on a piece of paper, you would see the ink smudged where my tears fell.

Because the need for being accepted was/is strong, and because it leaked into my work life, I tend to work hard even at the expense of my own self just so that the people would let me continue earning and not throw me out for my weaknesses. I have been compensating by working too hard. This has taken its toll - I am unable to remember, and it is becoming difficult to understand even the simplest of ideas. I feel overwhelmed with the demands, of life, which too many people are able to fulfill so easily. 

I am too scared to end my life. I am just dragging it as long as possible, with the certainty that I will lose my job as soon as I hit a point where I cease to function.

User Comments
Anon-1

Sounds like you are pretty close to burning out, you have to realise that if you don't look after yourself and your own wellbeing it is kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy as it will become inevitable that you burn out. Have you seen someone professional about your anxiety? It can be of great help to adjust your thinking.