Stuck and overwhelmed

I am stuck in my life, slowly drowning in sadness. I have not been able to assimilate into the society, as so many of other people have been. Ever since I have remembered my life, it has always been a performance. Interaction with people is an 'examination' which I have been taking for my entire life, with a large dose of accompanying anxiety, and have been failing every time.

I am supposed to take care of myself at my age of 34, but I cannot. I do not understand the rules of the society. I am too slow in my mind and my thinking. I feel only anxiety and now annoyance and hatred of people. I can no longer take the examination that is my life. If I were writing this on a piece of paper, you would see the ink smudged where my tears fell.

Because the need for being accepted was/is strong, and because it leaked into my work life, I tend to work hard even at the expense of my own self just so that the people would let me continue earning and not throw me out for my weaknesses. I have been compensating by working too hard. This has taken its toll - I am unable to remember, and it is becoming difficult to understand even the simplest of ideas. I feel overwhelmed with the demands, of life, which too many people are able to fulfill so easily. 

I am too scared to end my life. I am just dragging it as long as possible, with the certainty that I will lose my job as soon as I hit a point where I cease to function.

User Comments

Sounds like you are pretty close to burning out, you have to realise that if you don't look after yourself and your own wellbeing it is kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy as it will become inevitable that you burn out. Have you seen someone professional about your anxiety? It can be of great help to adjust your thinking.