My apathy cost me everything.

I'm just going to copy/paste what I wrote on reddit. 

My apathy, the fact that I couldn't bring myself to do anything for myself or the girl I loved, just cost me her. I feel so blank, there's really nothing there right now. I've been in the house all day doing not much of anything, distracting myself a little. The only real thing I feel is guilt, because had I been able to just do something, anything, I could have proven to her that I loved her and we'd both be happy, but instead she gave up on me, she had had enough. Not that I blame her, I won't go through my spiral of self-pity but she really was correct that I didn't do anything productive for either of us. I feel so guilty, and yet I'm not even trying to get her back or even improve myself, or solve what she dumped me for in the first place. What the hell is wrong with me, guys?

Yesterday: the day after I posted this first paragraph the first time (and nobody responded), I went over to get my umbrella and a jacket and started to truly feel the heartbreak. I hugged her and whispered "thanks for the memories" and left. She texted me that she was deleting her pictures of us and I asked her to send me them first. God was that stupid, now I'm making a 25 minute walk and I'm crying like a baby. It just feels so terrible, she wants to take steps to forget me and I still have our love letters, it hurts so fucking much.

I wrote and posted this earlier on the depression subreddit, the first paragraph I wrote the day before, the second I wrote earlier last night, after picking up my stuff from her house and having a very tearful conversation.

 

Update: I figured I should continue by saying that now she's trying to extort me into trying to complete an overdue assignment by threatening to not let me have our photos and not be my friend. Part of me knows I have to do the assignment for school and that this is probably just a tough-love approach to snap me out of it, but another part of me wants to say "nah, bye Felicia! Go fuck yourself with a cattle prod". Ugh this is hard man. I wouldn't wish this shit on my enemy.

 

All I want is to talk to someone about it but at the same time I don't want anyone to know what happened. Now I'm sitting with my head in my hands too mentally drained to do my schoolwork and wondering if anyone on here cares because I feel more comfortable sharing this to strangers on the internet to people I know, as at least there's no consequences or important people in my life telling me I'm lazy, wasting my potential, and not grateful for something "kids in Africa" would die for.

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