i ruined a perfect life

I hate my life. Nothing ever gos right. its my fault. Most people in my situation had awful chldhoods, or traumas in their early age, but i had it all handed to me on a plate. I have a loving mother, a little sister, two little brothers, ive always had a nice life, i was sent to the best school in the area, i wasnt ever deprived in any way.... you'd think that id be a normal, happy teenager, or that i was a happy child, but neither is true. I was awfully badly behaved as a small child, i threw away every oppertunity given to me. i attacked my family, got kicked out of school.... i ruined everything, and i always still do. a lot of it, i put down to my bipolar, but some things, i just cant pin to anything but being an awful person. 

at 12 years old, i was so out of control that i was sent to a mental hospital, and i worked so so so hard to go home. But even then, i didnt appreciate my family. i got ill again september 2014, and i asked to go into hospital. and that was when i stepped onto this slippery slope to losing everything from my life; for cancelling out the love, and my childhood. Such an idiot i was, and am.

I got chucked around from hospital from hospital a bit, and my 3rd one was up in newcastle. I was put onto a new medication, and made good progress, but my life was falling apart so much, that i had begun to cut myself. it statedoff as little scratches, then burns, and then both, and big cuts. I was horribly suicidal, seeing no way out of my unhappiness. i was right. i kept on ligaturing, and being restrained, crying. and then, i met my bff - lets call her clover for privacy. clover was like me in so many ways. we were both bad, we liked to push the boat out, and we got on well. we were also both suicidal cutters, and together we formed an allience, to rebel againstv the staff. we were never apart, hiding in each others rooms, running up and down the corridoors on dinner trollies, we had so much fun. if it werent for her being there to paint a smile on my face, i would surely be dead right now. But we also formed an allience to create, smuggle and share sharp objects, and it became not just a desperacy to cut to feel better, but also an obbsession. it was all we talked about, and we filled weeks, months, all our time celotaping bits of pen to ceilings, breaking bottles, turning every corner into a container for sharps. i suppose that we thought we were helping each other, and in a way we were, but also, we were again doing what i do best, ruining things, this time our recoveries.

but i did eventually recover enough to start moving home, which was a 5 hour drive away, and so i had to be moved. torn away from clover. i still remember leaving her, crying in the corridoor, forced apart from my twin, bff, soul sister. i cried all the way to my new hospital, determined that i would be unhappy there, and that i would kill myself rather than be apart from my clover. I didnt, nor do i ever, realize what i actually had there. i was near home, and it was a lovely hospital, for a hospital. it was very homely, compared to many, and many of the staff there were lovely. many cared, which is very unusual in proffesionals, other than about money. i remember my first night, Leah, a nurse i would learn to love ivited me down to try pizza. i was shy and sad, but she made me laugh, as she always did. I slowly began to settle in. there were of course people i hated, many of whom were patients, but patients come and go. i carried on with my plan to go home. on weekends, i would be taken out to the local seaside, morcambe, where i fell in love with the sea. when i looked at the grey shimmering mass, moving violently in the wind and storm, so strong and scary, i felt at peace, and my troubles were chased away, and i have never felt so sure that one place was heald my heart captive in it's roots in all of my life. I was taken for regualr excersise, power walks, and so many of the staff were so lovely! i made new friends, though i stil rang clover every night, and went round in a group of 4, an insepreable group of 3 girls and one transexual boy, who we will call Joeseph for privacy. My life was so great then, yet still, i could not see it. i cried myself to sleep every single night, believing my life to be awful. i guess i was depressed. I felt as though my heart were ground into powder, and that all that could save me was Clover. i was so wrapped up in this, that i began to ruin my life. 

My family. i was meant to be going home, but by may or perhaps earlier, i had made pointless arguments about peircings, and hair, and disowned them. my mother was heartbrokwn, my siblings confused. i ignored them, and wrapped myself up in my hospiatl life, saying i would go into care. oh how i want to scream into 14 year old mes face, tell he how STUPID shes being, that nothing good will come of this. but i cant. All i can do, is look back, as 14v year old me disowns her family, and spirals downhill in suicidalness, and cutting, sinking like a lead bubble into the pit of self inflicted pain, weeping that noone loves her whilst holding back any traces of love she could have. 

The staff and my friends became my family. leah was the best. she was always there for me. usually i keep myself closed to people, dont let them touch me, hide my feelings, but leah was so kind, so understanding. she would come and sit in my room, when i was covered with smutty makeup, giving up on life, and hug me, make me laugh. other staff helped me, too, a man named carl wgho was like a patient himself and broke many rules for me, michaela who forced hugs upon me whether i liked it or not, audrte who was like a mother hen, clucking and listening, rubee, who was crazy and cheered me up, joseph who was so much like me.... how lucky i was, to have all of these people, who simply would not be pushed away. patients came and went, many of whom i hated, many of whom i was very close to, such as Jess, but whom all went before me, much to my sorrow, whilst i sat waiting for a carehome to take me, rather than going to my loving home.

it took a long time, almost a year. a year of friends, of leah being so close to me, of driving on bumpy roads to woods, of baking crazy colored cakes, of leaping over the fence rather than ringing the bell, of my birthday, of the canal, of peircing myself, of unescorted leave where i would go blackberrying, power walking, exploring, of hospital school, of going to the local animal shelter, of drives, and laughs, and people bringing me secret gifts. i watched the tree outside my window growing lush green leaves, blossoming intio cherry blossom, then shedding neon leaves, standing stark and embarressed outside my window, as i petted my pet spiders brandy and whiskey. and then, i left. they finally found me a care home for me, and i came without question. i chose to come.

I ruined it all. i came from the countryside, to the middle of a big city, where the air stinks or chips and fumes, where noone cares for me. I couldve gone to live with my family in a house in a country village, but i chose to jack up my life. perhaps i wasnt ever meant to be happy, maybe thats why i ruin my life so many times. all that i know is that i am now living out a nightmare.

when i first came here, i was terribly bullied, for my weirdness, accent and being vegan. the first few weeks i spent downstairs, reading, being taunted, and having the staff annnoy me. i couldnt stand it though, so for almost a month now, i have been living in seclusion, in my bedroom. how i wish i had taken all of those chances before, wish i hadnt thought i had nothing, when i had everything. i miss leah, and my family and friends so very much! how i miss speaking to people. now, i only speak when i go downstairs to eat, and i say horrible things, to turn the staff against me. they all think im moody. i wish i could show them myself standing on the prom in morcambe with my friend, smiling, serene,. and scream at them that i could be happy. but i wont. i will sit in my room up here. so long as i am quiet, nobody cares, so long as i eat and take my pills noone will take any noticde of me at all. i spend most of my time online, watching tv, reading, painting, keeping my mind busy. My life is so pintlesss, all i am dloing is wasting a life, a life that people like clover, whos mother never wanted her, would pay to have. i know ive messed up, and i know that there is no reason for me to live, nor do i deserve to live. i cry all day, tears welling up in my eyes and fading my makepup, running down my ugly cheeks in trais that nobody will ever care enough see. i cut a lot, i take baths filled with scalding water and i turn them a shocking red color, but nobody cares. if i hung myself, i could be dead for a day before i was noticed. I want so badly to have a better life. but i always want better, im never satisfied. maybe one day, i will wish i had made a different decision here! maybe future me is yelling in my ears right now, but i cant hear her, maybe shes dead because she killed herself! who knows?

This is my story, and oh boy does it feel good to get it out! this site is a pretty great idea!!!

User Comments
Anon-1

Are you seeing someone professional about this currently, you've been through a lot you know.  You are stronger than you think as you are still here and still fighting.  Are there things you can do out of the house? It can seem daunting but if you try then it gives you a reason to think positively about yourself and things can seem slightly better.  Sorry if this isn't any help at all!