Finished or unfinished

I am depressed.

What's new? Most of everyone here is. Poor upbringing, extreme introversion, isolation were my key factors. In my 27 years ive only brought a friend to my home once. I've never been in a relationship, but had tons of one sided secret "loves".

I tried to OD, cut my wrist, hang myself. All shallow attempts as I am clearly still here. Nobody knows how many times. Just online strangers, always. I live an uneventful life, i have a lot of shalloww friendships. No real connection to anyone at all. My family has been with me since my birth but i dont know them. They don't know me. 

A year ago was the worst it has been. I have been unemployed for 3 years, no prospect, and the least minimal contact to the outside. I was practically a hermit. This drove me to the edge, but for my family, I am just an unmotivated individual. Quits a job when they want and has no plans in life. I wae left alone. In my parents' lack of support since my childhood i believe that was their way of making up for it. Letting me be what I want to be.

I wanted to be dead. I try and fail again the same as that one night. The emotional pain was already sipping through the physical. But i wasnt able to kill myself. It happened so many times that i decided to make a pact. To try and work for myself one last time, and if i tried and failed again like before, I would know that i tried everything. I can let this life go.

And what do you know. I got a job and after a month i was sent abroad. I discovered friends. I met someone i deemed really special. It was a failure though, and that set me back. I thought i was going back to my place again. I suffered and turned to desperate measures online seeking help. And i found someone willing to listen. And we became friends.

I fell for this person. Online. I only saw him in 3 pictures but our conversations made me thrive.  Until i realize i am wanting to make it permanent. And he does not.. Cause were never going to be together. It broke me. I know i should have done it sooner but i cut off contact with him finally. Cause my feelings wont change as long as he's here.

So Im back in my place again. Last night i tried to kill myself. I was sure i'll succeed  this time but a glimpse of my dead self hanging somehow scared me as i was hanging for a few seconds. I wanted to try again but i was afraid not of death but of what happens next, which i guess is nothing. I slept and woke up feeling the same if not worse.

Today im here. I went to work. My friends think im in love because i was always smiling them. I was always smiling because of that person. Now that he's gone from my life, i'm pretending to smile, i still laugh even. They don't need to know im in pain. There's enough in each of them for that.

I cant sleep. I dont have a noose in my hand, but I don't know where this is going now.Im afraid this is the part where i give up. I don't know anymore.

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