the pain is worse than the struggle

so story time:

My name is christian, first off, i moved out of my parents house when i was 16. I had recently been signed with VNY (one of the top male modeling agencies in the world). Anyways, i had moved to N.Y.C for a bit where i pursued modeling. My career had kinda taken off and would soon be moving to L.A. to be closer to some acting jobs i had been offered, fast forward a few years and i had decided to stay in L.A. but through the 7 years since i had left home i had become...friendly with many many girls, but something was missing. I could not feel anything more than a physical attraction, there was no depth or sustenance to these fleeting relationships and i grew bored. all i wanted was to be able to go home or wake up with someone at my side who loved me as much as i did them. thinking i needed a change, i moved to CO to be closer to my 2 brothers who i was insanely close with. even through all the parties and bars we had frequented i still couldn't find someone worth my time. out of boredom i got a job at a local 5 guys to pass the time, and one fateful night in December a new employee walks in and im fucking mind blown! this girl was a walking warm bundle of bouncy joy and happiness, i was instantly crazy about her. That night we went out for drinks after work and immediately hit it off. i was like a child on Christmas, or a homeless man who had won the lottery. after some time together, i found out she was kinda starting a relationship with another person, we talked about it and she decided that she was much happier with me and said that "things with him would work, but thats just it, it would work but nothing else" and broke it off with him. we literally spent every day together laughing for hours till our sides hurt, telling stories and all around being happy and joyful in each others presence. She is perfect: beautiful, smart, multilingual, and funny. a couple months go by and she starts acting weird, stand offish, wont respond to my txt/calls for hours. i ask her what is wrong and she says we have just been spending alot of time together and she just needed some alone time. "ok cool, no problem love you got it" this goes on for a bit and we only spend a few days together outta the week, but its getting worse not better. finally she opens up and tells me that she started talking and spending time with her ex. im obviously hurt but nothing we cant work through right? this goes on for almost 2 months when i finally confront her about it and ask what is going on, what kind of relationship does she want with me, and that im crazy about her but am suffering because she would constantly lie about where she was or who she was with, ( at the start i told her only thing i want is for her to not cheat or lie to me, anything else is fair game) anyways, she tells me that she cant be more than friends because she is to afraid of telling her ex and friends that she is in a relationship. so against every fiber of my being i broke it off with her, my last words "i left you my sweater, the one you love to wear, so that maybe one day you will see it, think of me and call"

but now im sitting at home about to break down staring at the bottom of a bottle wondering if i will ever hear from her again or meet anyone that is even close to being as perfect as her....the pain of a broken heart is worse than the struggle of being alone...why did she have to come into my life?

User Comments

sorry you feel so bad, heartbreak sucks man. if you broke it off because deep down you believed it was the right thing for you then in the long run it will be. Time does heal but it can take a long time. You have my best wishes and hope you manage to be happy again soon