not ready to anything, feeling broken.

My depression started when I was very younger... My father always cheated on my mom and he has never changed because he still cheating on him girlfriends. For that reason I have a bad view about love. My father is a madman I was 3 years old and he forced me to see gore. He is a carabinero (A type of police in Chile) so then he could have weapons and he always threatened me to he was going to shoot my dog. He raped me when I was 3 and 9 years old and from there my confidence in myself has gone broken. A big part of my life was in family courts by demands from my mother to my father and vice versa for being in court i lost most of my childhood and I have been forced to mature before. so that got me into trouble at school because i thought of different things of kids of my age, things like depression.My mother and my father separated when i was four but two years later my mom knows her actual boyfriend and six years ago they had a daughter so we moved to another house to another city so I changed school but they hated the new students.. so i was alone... I could not stand it so I went to another school. that broke my confidence again. I became best friend with a girl called elena she hated me but i was so naive that i never noticed that. she made that the whole grade hated me because rumors were false and everyone believed her  I could not stand anymore and I moved into sixth grade and there I met constanza she was my bestfriend but went aways from me so.. i got alone again. so I moved again in eight grade i was alone too... but i tried to be stronger... but i was still depressed.Now there's a few days left to enter to the new school (1st secondary im 14) and i'm not ready yet. I feel the history will repeat because i have so broken my self-steem that i will not stand itI anymore i miss my mother, she has no time for me because 2 brothers control her by blackmailing (strong tantrums) I don't have time alone with her. I really feel alone... I feel lost.

User Comments
Anon-1

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. That is some serious and life changing stuff. Have you spoken to a professional about it? Do you still live with your mother? (sorry I couldn't tell) - can you talk to her about it, make her listen?

Anon-2 I agree with the person above, I also am so sorry for your suffering. All I can think to say is that, many p eople in our lives let us down, especially(which can hurt the most) the people that are supposed or do love us.But just because these people, or anyone doesn't always treat you well, or very badly in your case, it does not mean you are not loveable, or worthless or anything you maybe feeling, that's contributes to your low self esteem. If you can, be strong, don't let other people's weakness, make you be weak, or feel low with yourself. I know it's easier said then done, but try , because there is light at the end of the tunnel, you're still so young, and you will see many good people in your life, this love from them and even everything you achieve no matter how small- let it build you up, and this will help you to grow as a person, and you'll see that you will shine to all the other people, not necesarily because you're smartest or something like that, but because you have a good heart. In my experience when you've gone through such terrible things you can either go two ways, neither I'm judging! But either you can be bitter and angry, which of course is understandable, or you see that you still are a great person with something to offer the other people, with such empathy and care for the other people, because of what you've been through yourself, and that will make you shine! Have courage, keep going! And don't worry, I don't know you but I'll be thinking of you.