Trans, Depressed, and Struggling

I'm not doing okay. 

I am 25 years old, transgender, jobless, carless, broke, and afraid. I am living in college housing, but if I don't get a job soon, I will not be allowed to stay during the breaks between quarters, and I will be homeless. There is very little public transportation here, which makes the job hunt difficult. 

I am dealing with a ton of dysphoria. I started HRT just over three months ago, which means I'm barely passing and constantly misgendered. I don't want to live in this body anymore.

Actually, I just don't want to live anymore. I am just coming off of abuse and homelessness (and am just now starting to feel the true pain of those experiences), trying to transition, trying to keep showing up at classes despite wanting to hide from humanity, struggling financially and employment-wise. I have been through a horrible past that just won't let me forget. 

And now, I am concerned that things will never get better. Sure, they might improve short-term, but then I'll be punished again and brought right back down to a place where I just don't want to live anymore. I think that would break me. 

I think I have finally reached my limit.

User Comments

Are you able to access any professional help near you? It can be daunting but it helped me when I was at my lowest. Fear of the future can be a crippling thing, I used to be constantly waiting for the next disaster to happen to me so never enjoyed the current moment so I get how you feel totally.