Just a dream.

I'm supposed to be in university right now.

I'm supposed to have friends. 

I'm supposed to be the cool version I imagined myself to be when I was younger, no matter how cheesy that sounds.

I weirdly imagined my future self to be strong, beautiful and successful, but most importantly happy.

Instead I'm sitting in a dark room alone on a weekday with absolutely no future plans, friends or hope at all. 

I've read every single online self-help article, but nothing has worked. I've actively tried numerous amount of times to 'get help'. Yes I have told my parents, I even went to the doctors but they have both forgotten and dismissed my problem as trivial. I've tried mediation, exercise routines, forcing myself into social situations. All failed.

Is it really trivial that I spend every waking day in fear of my self and other people's gazes?

Is it trivial that I feel exhausted every time I go outside?

I think to myself I'm useless trash everyday. I spend multiple hours daydreaming and slipping out of reality because the truth is I hate my life. I try to think that I should be grateful with what I have but I just can't.

I hate people but I want to change. I don't want to think being bored, hateful towards socialising or being miserable is normal. 

I absolutely hate this anxiety. Putting a name to this horrible mental issue I have actually makes things worse because now I know what things I shouldn't be doing but I'm too scared to get any help. Oh sure, it's EASY calling a random person and spouting your problems to them. If my own fucking family doesn't care then how is some random stranger gonna take notice and go out of their way to help me? Seems kinda stupid to even write this here now but at least I'm not talking to a person. I really have trouble being rational anymore.

I don't want to fall asleep at six in the morning and wake up at three in the afternoon. I don't want to spend 20 hours on the internet watching shows ,pretending time isn't moving forward and that I don't exist.

 

 

 

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