Shit hit the fan a couple of months ago.

I'm not too sure on how to start this, but I feel this is something I should share with the world, seeing I feel rather lost atm. So, here goes:

Early March I met this amazing girl on Tinder (feel free to mock me for this) and we ended up in a relationship together. Both of us weren't really looking for a relationship, but it just happened this way. And fast, too.

Everything was fine and dandy, or so I taught. I was stupid enough to not know I wasn't completely over a girl that blatantly ditched me a couple of months before, which on it's own is a pretty big mistake. But I didn't stop there. I was foolish enough to, unknowingly, talk a bit too much about this other girl to my gf. She's been pointing out to me that I have done so, even though I recall it differently. Nonetheless, I believe her word for this. Apparently I even talked about other women before and after (and one time even during) sex. Once again, I don't recall doing this, but I take her word for it.

At some point one of my female friends started to be a bit clingy to me, knowing I was romantically involved. I had no interest in her that way, yet she kept being a bit touchy towards me. I've told her to stop doing that several times, though it didn't seem to stick and occassionally I didn't tell her to keep her hands to herself, since it didn't seem to matter. My lack of consistency in this is something I deeply regret. My gf got mad at me for this (understandable), especially since I thought of her as a friend, yet she annoyed the living shit out of me at times as well. At some point my gf made me realise how weird it seemed and that I probably just liked the attention. I disagree on this. I mean, let's face it, everyone likes positive attention, but this was way different. I did not like her acting like that. Eventually I feld like it would be the best to stop seeing that friend alltogether. She was getting really annoying and never really helped me whenever I asked her for help. I never regret the fact I stopped seeing her alltogether.

You can all see this wasn't the best start of the relationship, and I regret all those mistakes and every other one I forget mentioning to this point.

Seeing my gf used to be anorexic and got called names involving her appearance while growing up her self-esteem isn't the highest possible. My idiotic mistakes didn't help her feel better, obviously. From this moment on she feels that she's just a rebound girl for me and that I don't find her attractive or beautiful. Or at least not so much as I think others are attractive and beautiful. I can honestly say I understand where she's coming from. Though I genuinely think she's amongst the most attractive and beautiful girls out there. I tell her this often. But she thinks those words are meaningless because "I used them on others before" or she simply doesn't believe me. Once again, and I can't stress this enough, I fully understand why she feels this way.

If this wasn't a bad enough start, my mother and stepfather didn't like her, right from the beginning. For the sole reason of her skintone (she's a latina). This provided some extra friction between her and myself, because I didn't think this was the case (my mother is known to seem like she doesn't like someone or being angry when there's no reason to feel that. And in my experience she always turns back around). Things heated between the four of us to the point of my gf not being able to spend the night over at our house (I lived at my mum's house then) saying that "it bothers us". When confronting my mum about this, the reason why we bothered her was, because we bothered her (sense, this makes none, imo). This all escalated to the point of my stepdad throwing me and gf out, screaming and yelling at the foot of our bed. Do note my gf wasn't living with us and she only spend the night twice a week. When this happened my gf her parents were so amazing as to take me into their home and I can't possibly thank them enough for this. I never thought people like that still existed. On a sidenote, I can't live with my dad because I purposely keep him out of my life. My dad, though probably meaning well, is the most self-centred, egotistic and blatantly dominant man I've met.

I've been living with my gf and her family for the past three months now. Due to the distance I lost my job (also, my mum decided it would be wise to tell my employer that I "changed so much since I was with my gf" and somehow he agreed. Working there, along with the daily commute (from 20 minutes a trip to work, to 2 hours a trip to work) and my employer there being manipulated by my mother, was a no-go. I've been trying to land a job ever since, but I'm not well educated, sadly. Finding a job is harsh, though I talked to some companies that are genuinely interested.

Since I'm living with her now, and her family, it puts our relationship under a lot of stress. Even though we already had some issues to work out, things are getting worse.

I've been feeling pretty darn depressed because of everything that had happened. Losing my family and job like that. And with the foolish mistakes I made, it's just a lot to deal with. On top of that, my gf slowly started to feel more depressed the last couple of months and she feels like she can't talk to me about anything, and that it all revolves around me anyway. I have to ask you people. Whenever we talk she mentions what she feels and often why she feels that way, I try to connect to it by telling her about a similar story my friends or myself went through. She feels that I change the subject by doing so, even though I truly want her to feel heard and help her with everything that is troubling her. Because she feels that I don't listen to her, she tends to keep to herself or talk to her friends about what's truly bothering her. If I try to talk about certain subjects involving why she feels so depressed, she keeps me at a distance by saying she feels fine (even when I confront her about not feeling that well) or she says she doesn't want to talk or she gets annoyed and asks me why I'm asking so many questions. I feel a bit hopeless, since I tried about everything to just make her feel heard. Often I don't ask anything too personal, giving her a few days room to feel more comfortable around me, hoping it'll make it easier for her to talk to me. But it doesn't seem to help. So my question is, am I really just approaching this all the wrong way, or do you guys have any tips as to help me in making her feel heard and understood?

Our relationship is just so young for all this to have happened. We just celebrated out 7 months anniversary and we've already lived together (with her family) for 3 months. We're slowly moving away from one another, due to the distance we tend to keep nowadays (I'm not saying she started this. I feel she did and she feels I did.

Last night, while typing this, I came to the point of breaking up with her, seeing her in so much pain, mostly because of me. I know it's not my decision and I regret it more than anything. Even though I feel a bit relieved due to it should keep the stress levels down for everyone. But I don't want to part from her. I hate my guts, she's being mean to me and ever since I moved in I'm not nice, caring not fun for her anymore (she keeps saying this though I don't see a drastic change in my behaviour).

Should I just walk away from all this now? Is there really a way we can work this out? I hope and feel there is, but I also feel I should just walk away and let her be happy without me. Both of us don't want to part but we're not happy now either. What should we do, considering all this?

User Comments