Emotional Bandages

I’ve tried killing myself three times. Thought about it far more. Most of the people I’m closest to don’t really know. They know I’m transgender, they know I’m depressed, but they don’t really grasp the depth of it all. I try very hard to make sure nobody ever finds out. I'm terrified of the idea that I'll find that I have a bunch of fairweather friends who can't take knowing how fucked up I am.

Occassionally I'll mention my problems, but I make sure to make them sound small and cute, only hinting at how bad it really is. I'll talk about how it hurts when I look in the mirror and see a man. I'll leave out the part where I punch the mirror and use the shards to cut myself. After all, the whole reason I did that was for the punishment and release, just one of the worse ways I cope with my feelings so I don't have to actually face them. Sometimes I cope with nicer-sounding things, like going for long walks to sort my head out.

Tonight I did both. A wave of self-loathing washed over me and I spent a couple hours with a knife below my sternum, thinking "Just fucking stab yourself. You're not good enough for this world, so just kill yourself. Death is easier. You can probably handle that." I didn't, but I used that knife to make three large cuts on my back. Then I started running. I have this fantasy where I just keep running until I'm in the middle of nowhere, and I can just keel over and starve to death. So a lot of my walks start as runs. Eventually I tired though, and I took a scenic route as I walked back home.

I could probably get help. See a psychiatrist, talk about the underying issues, get on anti-depressants, put my life back together. I'm just too socially anxious to be able to ever set that up. And when I realize this about myself, that I could get the help I need fairly easily if I wasn't such a coward about such mundane things, I just hate myself more, and I need to apply more temporary coping methods. God knows I'm not actually going to get better.

User Comments

Your post has helped me to understand some of what transgendered people must go through.

As someone who's struggled with depression throughout his life, I know what it is to feel like everyone around me is judging me for every possible flaw in my character, all the time. 

Keep your chin up. I know that's easy to say, but it will get better. I've tried suicide, and spent a lot of time contemplating it in the past, but contrary to how you're feeling right now it takes courage to keep going. That running thing you do? However it starts out, it's healthy. Keep going with that. 

You're not unfit for the world. The world is unfit for us.

I never felt the urge to kill myself, or to identify with another gender, but I did feel the urge to run away from home -- and I acted on it repeatedly. Leave the known behind because the unknown couldn't possibly be worse. In my case, it was; I was fortunate, but also very ill-prepared.

It gets better. I promise you, it does. I know three transgendered people personally. Life is improving now for all of them. There is a lot of understanding and support out there, and there are some powerful and effective treatments for depression, as more and more our society realizes that there's nothing wrong with *the person* ... just the pain of a situation that needs to be addressed.

Stay strong. Believe it or not, you've been strong so far. Stay that way.

Anon-1

Are there support groups in your area? Not to be punny, but they can be surprisingly supportive (seriously). In addition, try finding a hobby to engage in that you enjoy, preferably with other people who will accept you as who you are without passing judgment. I've met a transgendered person that way; "he" identified as "she" and ran a role-playing group that I used to be a part of. Fantastic person, truly. She taught me so much, and got me into several hobbies I've stuck with to this day.

Anon-2

Cutting releases chemicals into your bloodstream that help to relieve stress and pain. Other things do that too; that includes reading (apparently, I haven't actually found that in multiple places yet), exercising, and socializing with someone you enjoy spending time with. I'm still looking for other ways, as I used to have the same problem. 

I promise... the pain becomes less intense, and less frequent. I promise. Life will open up to you and give you a breadth of opportunities that you've never imagined as being available to you before.