Overwhelmed

I am glad this community was shared to me, I have been reading other stories and you all really give me hope.

 

I feel so alone. I have a very wonderful kind boyfriend, I have a woman whom I call my mother, though she isnt my real mom nor a foster mom, just a kind soul who took me in and gave me a second chance, why do i still feel so alone. I dont really have friends, I try but it seems like other people dont care as much as me so i get discouraged and stop trying and we always drift apart because i feel like i was the glue holding the friendship together. I feel like no one can relate and no one can understand me and the emotions i feel unless they have gone through it themselves. If im not bleeding im not hurting. thats how i feel other people see me when i try to talk to them. I dont want to admit that there might be something wrong with me, I feel like if i do that everyone will think im making excuses. Every day feels like a battle inside myself, torn by contradicting feelings and thoughts constatly because i just want to reach out and get help but how does someone help me if i cant even express whats wrong. I have gone to many many many years of therapy and they just throw all sorts of different diagnosises at me and after all those years i feel no better off. I have always thought myself insightful. I can think about whats going on why its going on what needs to happen to fix it, but there is also a part of me that does not really understand any of it. Ther is a part of me that doesnt understand whats going on or why i get so irritated over tiny things or why i get sad over tiny things and when i look for the bigger picture, the underlying thing thats making me feel those ways i cant find anything i cant explain why i feel the way i feel someimes and all i can think in those moments is someone please help me do something please i dont know what just do something. It is a horrible overwhelming feeling. I dont have problems opening up to people and telling them about myself. I dont have problems telling people about my foster care experiences, or my real parents, or anything i will tell people anything but it doesnt matter, it doesnt help, and they are still left not understanding me and i am left feeling a little embarassed because its awkward for them, so its then awkward for me. My, ill call her my mom but she is not my real mom, is very kind she is very understanding she is very patient she is everything in a human being that i wish i could be and strive to be and i have come so far but always there is the weight on me holding me back and i cant even figure out what it is or what to do about it. I just want to be able to talk to people, I want to be able to have friends to text when im bored, i want to go places and get out of the house. I feel guilty for feeling so alone sometimes...My boyfriend he tries so hard to make me happy and make me feel loved and wanted, but i still feel alone i want to talk to him i want to make him understand what im feeling but how can i do that when i cant even comprehend it, and that just leaves him more confused and frustrated. Feeling like you want to reach out to someone whether is be therapist, significant other, parents, anyone, and not being able to express yourself and help them understand and fumbling over your words and them misunderstanding you, its unbearable. I get so overwhelmed, i instantly feel like someone whos been bottling stuff up and cant get it out so they explode. I get so utterly numb in those moments, feel so stuck, often times I truly just want to end my life because i cant find a way out of the maze inside myself. I cant tell people that, I cant tell people that I am so...i cant even think of a word for that feeling...that i want to end my life. I really feel like the only thing that keeps me going day to day is everything that my mom has done for me. I hate my job, I get beat up every day mentally by everyone, i feel like i just cant seem to find my place in this world in every aspect. I feel stuck, I feel alone, I feel overwhelmed.

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