Want silence

I have bipolar disorder, PTSD, ADHD and OCD. I'm a spaz! I'm either of two ways, very happy and uplifting or extremely sad, but still uplifting to others. I put everyone and everything before myself always. 

I just got out of a serious relationship and I was made to feel guilty because of the way it ended. The thing is my ex was doing something he shouldn't have and still found a way to turn the tables on me. He also has BPD and he asked for forgiveness and said he was sorry and that he wasn't acting like himself, so he's getting help.

Since I'm who I am, I've forgiven him and now want to be his support system because if I were in a state of hurt, forgetting my way or path, I would want someone to stand in my corner. My mind tells me to let it go along with him, but every single bit of my thoughts are consumed with ways I can help him. I feel like I was a failure and feel as though I didn't do my best for him. My mind races nonstop with heightened emotions about this and him. I find myself worrying about him, thinking about him, wanting to continue to be a part of his life. Does this make me desperate? Am I delusional? The noise in my head is so loud with nonstop words of self doubt and being unsure. I wish I could break this cycle and make the noise stop and feel free to think more rationally. 

I would hate to think I've failed him twice. Although I don't believe I truly failed him the first time. My mind keeps telling me to stick to my guns and continue to be supportive of him in his time of need. I just don't think it's too healthy for me.

Do you see in my words how I keep flip flopping back and forth? This is the way it is in my head only about 50 times worse. I hate these feelings that continue to take over and invade my mind. 

Miserable and alone

User Comments

Is helping him helping you? Or is it detrimental to your mental wellbeing? I guess that is the way you can approach it and if it is making you feel worse, then perhaps it isn't helping. Are you seeing someone about your PTSD/OCD/ADHD currently? They might be able to help you regain your balance.