I counted on forever

I started dating J when I was a 15 year-old sophomore in high school. A year into our relationship, I was diagnosed with epilepsy and faced two-years of doctor's appointments and hospitalization which culminated in a two-week stay at the Cleveland Clinic. J was my only friend from home to visit my hospital room. He was my best-friend and source of strength. He helped me find courage in seemingly hopeless situations. J managed to make me laugh despite hundreds of electrodes glued to my head and continuous doctors telling me they couldn't help. Eventually, the Cleveland Clinic doctors told me my seizures were psycho-genic seizures and were most likely caused my childhood trauma. I broke down and told my mom I was sexually abused for about five years as a kid. After my release from the Clinic, I began thearpy to help me cope with my depression, anxiety, and seizure disorder. Through therapy, and with the support of my friends, family, and J, I learned to be happy and confident. Summer of 2015, J accompanied my family on vacation and I visited his dad in a neighboring state. He told me he loved me, and talked about our future together. But in October of this year, J ended the relationship over the phone. I was blind-sided. Two weeks previously I visited him at his university and he made me dinner. He wrapped his arms around me, told me he loved me, and told me how excited he was for our future. I lost my best-friend. J knew me. He understood me. He loved me. And now, that is all gone. I have to make sense of a senseless situation. To make matters worse, I had a miscarriage in early September, a month before J ended everything. When I told him, I sobbed into his arms. He was wonderful. He told me I was beautiful and reminded me he loved me.

Despite everything I endured in my short twenty-years, I can say with confidence this is the worst experience of my life. The pain of losing him is mental, emotional, and physical. I miss him desperately, but I also hate him for throwing everything away. I hate him for teaching me courage but acting in cowardice. I hate him for hurting me. I hate him for breaking every promise he ever made me. He destroyed everything I worked to overcome. 

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