Gone on Time's wind

I'm finding it a bit difficult to come to terms with the fact that what I've been aching and trying for all my life isn't going to happen.

It's very hard: I like and love, I have a lot to offer, but I might as well be on a different continent as far as getting close goes.. Part-autism has blighted my relationships with other people in the cruellest way: I'm a social person. I'm nice, I'm funny, I like and love and need people, but at the same time I don't "get" them, and they don't get me. It doesn't happen, let alone with the various ones I've come across who I thought were special... And thanks to the extra sensitivity that comes as part of the aut package - it's more than painful.

All my life I've just wanted to mix and get on with other people, and have at least a chance with a special one, and I just can't. I'm not wired for that.

Now I've got to the end of the tunnel, really, a little bit wild and crazy, !!refusing!! to accept the reality that the age bar has come down and there won't be any good and happy times... writing to people on Alt 14 years my junior...
What else do I do? I don't have the faintest idea, any more than I did when I was 20.
When will my time be? It won't, it looks like.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe you've seen me in the street, and thought I was a resentful-looking git! I suppose I don't want a total stranger to think I'm worse than I really am - that's logical, Captain! :)
Anyway. Wotever.

User Comments

I've been going through something similar lately, and seeking help for it. I've had so many heartbreaking experiences that I have felt as though I can't trust my feelings anymore, and that I'm just not allowed to have love.

But that is not true, and the more we pity ourselves and go to dark places, the less attractive we become. We can't base our personal happiness on our relations with others. If we do, we'll attract the wrong kind of people; people who are too deep into their own sadness to be of any use.

I know this might sound impossible, but we have to find a way to be happy with what we are, and learn to love ourselves, and let the love of the universe inside. Because when you can truly love who and what you are, everyone will see it, and the love you seek now will find you in no time. 

Yesterday I wrote about my first relationship and how toxic it was, and I realized I had been carrying it around with me for the last 14 years, and infecting everyone I've loved, and that is why they've never loved me back. So now I'm cleansing myself, erasing my history and starting over. I don't need to carry that burden anymore, because there are enough good things in my life to focus on, and even if it doesn't seem like it now, the same is true for you.

It's a process, and I'm not there yet, but I believe that the results will be what I really want, and that makes it worth it. There is no age bar, there is only a happiness bar. Once you find love for yourself, it will flow through you and through everyone you meet, and someone else who feels the same love for themselves will notice and become instantly attracted to you.

I believe I can do it for myself, and I believe you can do it too. You are not defined by who loves you, or any other external force. You define yourself, and you can choose to be the kind of person people want to be around, or not. I know what I'm choosing.

good luck, friend.