Sleep Paralysis

Though this isn't too difficult to talk about, it's still rather disturbing. I've experienced it quite a few times in the past, as a result of being molested by my (now removed) step-dad. He was a horrible man, and to this day, I cannot get his image out of my head. The result of my childhood being ruined by this man, has given me flashbacks that used to intrude on my daily life quite often. And I had no control at all over it. It was horrible. Along with the flashbacks, the random panic attacks, and the high anxiety around men (and people in general) came nightmares and my once pleasant ability to lucid dream was turned into a much more less pleasant experience, which is of course sleep paralysis. 

Now, sleep paralysis isn't a stranger to me. I've dealt with it quite well on my own, and I haven't had too bad experiences with it, before all the memories of being molested and abused by my step dad came out. Before, I was able to control it, and it wouldn't bother me. But now, it's still very fresh, and very unsettling. 

Being religious  (and very much still am heavily involved) I thought that what appeared in my "dream" was a demon. I thought I was being trapped and tourtured. But having learned the name 'sleep paralysis' it gave me some comfort that it wasn't anything of the sort. It was very much in fact something I could control, and once I got the hang of it again, I was able to be a little less afraid of what my mind conjured up. I remember it in great detail. I was laying on my back (not recommended. If you're going to sleep and you know you can lucid dream, stay safe and sleep on your side. Besides, sleeping on your back makes you more vulnerable anyways) and I was aware I was in fact dreaming. But I couldn't move. At all. My body felt like there was a weight on it. But then pretty soon things started to turn and move, as the drawings and paintings on my wall began to rip apart, and I heard screaming. Then nails raking down a chalk board, and snarling. And then I saw it. It was all white, and had sharp teeth. Black eyes, and stubble on its chin. Yes. Stubble. I was afraid it would kill me, but instead it terrorized me. Screaming in my face and long nails brushing against my skin. I swear I could feel it cutting me. Like it was digging into my cheek, and scraping against my jaw and teeth. I remember my hands forming a fist, and my jaw clenching and unclenching. The 'thing' continued to do this, whilst chanting people's names. Those people were people I was particularly close to, and it made me more afraid. Then things started turning. The 'thing' got on top of me, and screamed even more, it's hands gripping my face tightly, and I knew I was breathing heavily. It started to rut against my groin, and I knew then where the source of this 'dream' was coming from. Memories of my molestation and what he did flooded in, and I rationed that this, in fact, was not real. And then I opened my eyes. It was gone. Nothing was touching me. I was clammy, and my legs were shaky, while I began pulling at my hair and scratching. I have a hard time trying to keep myself from self harming once I'm triggered, and this was beyond triggering. It was more than just a flashback, it was my dreams replaying it over and over and over in not only my wake, but my sleep as well. And I couldn't move. I was aware. But I couldn't move. 

 

People, if you plan on lucid dreaming, be careful if you know you have trauma I'm your past. Though, don't be deterred from trying, as over all, once you have control, it's a very pleasant experience. Sleep paralysis as well, can be pleasant, if controlled. Be safe. Be kind.

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