sad sad sad

I have been really sad for the past year or so. I'm pretty sure I am depressed at this point, but I haven't seen a doctor or anything. I don't have suicidal thoughts or anything like that. I'm just incredibly sad inside, and I have crying episodes almost every night. There's no reason for this; nothing traumatic has happened in my life. My life is fine, but I'm not. In school and with my family I have become really good at putting on a happy face and pretending everything is okay. Sometimes this even works, and I feel happy. The most intense sadness happens when I'm alone. It's gotten hard for me to keep up with my schoolwork. I am an A/B student, and I'm happy about that, but I just don't feel like trying anymore. I have absolutely no motivation. I don't even know how to really express how I feel about school. I go to a private school, and whenever I complain about it I always feel so guilty because my parents are paying a lot of money for me to go there. I like my friends, but I'm not very close with any of them. All of them are better friends with other people. I don't really try very hard to be close to people, I feel like if they want to be friends with me than they should do something about it. That sounds kind of bad, it's just that I don't want to try to push a friendship on them if they don't want it. One of my friends keeps telling me how many bad things are happening to our other friends, but no one has told me about any of it. This same friend, I'll call her person A, is good friends with my other two friends, B and C. When I was with her at lunch one time she actually told me 'I wish B and C were here. I needed them in this lunch, they're my rocks.' It just hurts becuase I thought I was pretty good friends with her but she obviously doesn't care about me. And it drives me CRAZY when she talks about how all of these other people have all these problems and how it's so rough for them, like, do you not see that I feel like I'm dying on the inside?? I hate it so much. And I hate it when my friends are openly sad in school, because for one I don't like comforting people and I always feel like I shouldn't know about their problems becuase they're probably private and I shouldn't ask, and also because I always feel sad but I can hide it better than they can. It's like, if everyone around me is happy or at least pretending to be happy, it's easy for me to pretend. When other people are sad I just wish they could pretend they're okay. Bottle it up like I've been doing for the past year. I sometimes feel like I would be better off just staying in my room for the rest of my life. I don't really know what else to say. All of these feelings have been bottled up for so long that I don't really know how to get it all out. Oh, I am religious and I pray about this stuff, but I still feel the same way. It's like I don't want to get better. I want to feel damaged and I want people to notice and be there for me. But no one notices and no one is there for me. It's so annoying just waiting for someone to care. I'm getting really tired of it. And I have no time anymore. I spend all my time either doing homework or procrastinating doing homework. (more procrastinating) And I think people very much underestimate how hard it is to be a teenager in this generation. There is an incredible amount of stress put on us, and I personally don't think it necessary or correct. Our society is going downhill, our lives are going downhill, we're all living in an illusion of happiness when we really have no idea what we're doing in this world, where we are going, what our purpose is in this life. It's so confusing and it's so sad. Okay well that's all for now. 

User Comments
Anon-1

If you are continually feeling this way I genuinely would suggest you seek professional help.  I understand how difficult it can be to take that step but I feel it will be your best course of action.  Stay strong and remember that you are not alone, many others have felt this way and have come out the other side.