Nobody Will Miss Me

Lets start this off by saying no, I am not planning on committing suicide and the title of this post has nothing to do with suicide.

 

I am, however, struggling severely with depression. I have problems being lonely and wanting more relationships, despite having horrendously bad social skills. I feel so selfish, because i crave the attention, and once i finally have it, i dont know what to do with it. This has resulted in many failed friendships and lots of heartbreak. It's so frustrating. All i really want out of life is to love and be loved; i truly believe the power of love is the best thing for my depression right now. I think about it every day, begging in my mind for somebody to let me in. It never results in anything, but thats my fault really. Its just - ive tried so damn hard to make people feel loved, and if i could get even a fraction of that in return, i would be satisfied. Everybody seems to put the lowest amount of effort in me that is humanly possible, when i have given so much for them. Its not fair at all.

 

I wish i was a big enough dick to just say, fuck them, they dont deserve my help. I wish i had the strength to cut off certain people from my life, instead of waiting for them "just in case they come through." I guess so much of my emotion lies in the hands of other people, that i forgot to save some for myself. And as much as i tell myself i dont need them, i would be much better off alone, i cant seem to do it. Its that stupid "just in case" thought that keeps running through my head. Like, what if they decided to check up on me? Or, what if they just wanted to talk? But nobody ever does. Nobody ever will.

 

I know i sound overbearing, and melodramatic. But i think its time to wipe the slate clean. Tomorrow, i will be committing social suicide - that is, deleting all of my social networking accounts. I wont return texts, i wont take back missed calls. I wont check up on anybody at all. Ive been wanting to do this for some time now, but never had the courage or confidence to rely completely on myself. That being said, nobody will be able to hurt me with their half-ass bullshit. I just want to see how it works. I just want to see how itll make me feel. Its sort of like real suicide, but destroying yourself from the outside in, not the inside out, does that make sense? Im starting to get lots of thoughts now - scrambled and disorganized, cant really put them into a sentece. I hope what i have said thus far relates to my feelings on life right now.

 

I honestly dont think this will have any affect on those who i am cutting off. They have many other friends far more important than me, and if they valued our friendship in any way, they would have been there for me, the way i was for them. Hopefully i will have the strength to do this. Will report back tomorrow.

 

Thanks for reading,

J.G.

User Comments
Anon-1

Thank you for sharing, I felt in a very similar way to you. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.