Not allowed to be beautiful

I am fat. And I don't mean i'm a size 14 chubby, I mean if I put on a dress and sit sideways, suddenly "Oonyoong koosah feefty hahtoo? Oonah keejoo, nigh!" comes out of my mouth and Speilberg is calling me to offer me the next role! Which may sound hilarious to you (I'm 5'10" and weigh 350) and like I am being overly-dramtic. But saying these things are the only way I know how to disarm, and prevent others from calling me names. If I say it first, then you've got nothing to say.
Some people say that's rude and makes those who love me feel very uncomfortable and defensive (about me), but I would rather have them uncomfortable and defensive, than to call me names. I know what I am, I don't really need to hear others confirm it. And every day, no matter how much I try to avoid it... someone SOMEWHERE (tv, the internet, books!) has to remind me about how much they fucking hate fat people and why don't we fucking kill ourselves. I can't even TRY to like myself even a little, then I will hear the accusations that I'm trying to make others fat! Or feel good about being FAT. And yah I am doing what is necessary to lose weight, but that won't help me TOMORROW or even next month. I quit smoking, I stopped drinking soda (it was diet to begin with), I entirely changed my diet (primarily asian now), I visit with a nutritionist and despite following it religiously I am not seeing results and am now heading towards surgery (no i don't care if you think i'm a cheater, no you can't talk me out of it). Becuase at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how I get there, the only way to get people to shut the FUCK UP is to comply, at ALL costs. I am doing what is necessary and I am doing every single thing asked of me.. but its never enough. Nothing I do makes me feel even a little better.
For the first time in my life I am getting panick attacks. I am fucking 40 and I am having panic attacks. I was at an awesome gathering of my friends, huge potluck and great people who love me. And I KNOW they aren't faking it, trust me.. i TRIED to prove that they were "sympathy friends" and no matter what... they stay by my side. But.. Due to where I was sitting, I felt soo overwhelmed by being "in the way" and taking up "too much space" and being so damned inconvienant to people trying to serve, that i almost lost my shit. It was fucking overwhelming. And you know what, you may not agreee.. but I see beautiful big women EVERYWHERE (eye of the beholder and all that) they are amazing and majestic, and just fucking rock it. And here is me, same size as them or smaller.. and I can't be... I can't even have a little bit.. I just have to try and minimize myself as much as possible. Be perfect. Never screw up. Make sure that excluding my adipose tissue, I am never any of the things people talk about.
I'm unhealthily obsessed with my tweezers, to the point that I gouge out chunks of skin on my chin out of fear that I will end up on the front page of Reddit for having one chin hair as an offensive fat girl. And unlike the lovely Sikh girl, I will have no defense.. I will just be disgusting. I scrub myself raw every time I pee (and I use wet wipes ONLY) to make sure I don't SMELL. I try to limit my public exposure so that I don't offend people by my fatness in public. I NEVER eat at a restaurant. I do my shopping at 1am or later, always park far back (even if there are plenty of spaces), and I put my cart away EVERY TIME. I try to use the self checkout even if i have a lot of things. I do everything I can within my power to not become the focus of anyones rage. And no matter what... it STILL happens. I made the mistake of getting gas on a saturday night and 2 guys in a car felt the need to scream at me. I was spotted by some guys buying up the 88 cent anti-gas pills (you know the ones I take to NOT BE AN OFFENSIVE FAT GIRL) and they made jokes anyway (better not be a human, and better not let anyone catch you preventing it either!) NOTHING makes them stop. On top of that I'm a female, and let me tell you being female AND a hideous troll beast, is the worst fucking sin ever imagineable. As it is, I have all those fucking comments in my head every day too! I purposely got implanon just so I could be less disgusting, not be accused of PMS, and not be accused of smelling like fish (I said I scrubbed right? I'm FUCKING CLEAN AND SMELL-LESS GODDAMMIT! GET OFF MY TITS!) .
Hell even if i die I can't even donate my body to science while fat, because they only want skinny people (go ahead, read the comments!) And I have actually heard stories of students making fun of donated bodies. I can't be cremated because I will apparently explode the chamber and be made fun of. I can't be buried because The casket size will be expensive and my body (you know i DIED RIGHT?!) will STILL be a hassle and a nusiance and how DARE I inconvenience them for dying while fat.... even though that's the very fucking thing people WANT me to do because I'm fat!!And I honestly don't know what the fuck I will do once I finally manage to get all this weight off, because I will STILL KNOW how people feel.. and I will KNOW that any treatment I MIGHT get will be fucking fake. I fucking hate me.

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