in 2010, life fell apart

Divorce, I only thought that was hard.

 

Two months later, youngest son was killed in a car accident. Only, not really.

 

He was life flighted from the scene. On life support for three days. Each day, a neurologist ran a brain scan. Each day, no signs of activity.

 

After the third scan, I was approached by a team. A counselor of some sort did most of the talking at first, a lawyer had the paper, and a transplant surgeon was there to explain how things would go.

 

I was asked to sign a piece of paper to authorize removal of life support, and donate my sons organs to other children.

 

There is some good to that side of the story, and some of that is the only thing that I've been able to hold onto for five years.

 

Depression isn't even the word for what I fell into. My dog, she was old. She passed away two months later. Curled up at the foot of this bed, she'd slept there his whole life.

 

I stopped taking care of myself after that, and my health tanked. 

 

Turns out, you can live a perfectly healthy life with HIV for about ten years. See that yearly physical, they don't test for HIV. That's against the law. 

 

My health, my weight, I quickly lost all of that. By the time I woke up in the hospital, they still hadn't tested me. Eventually though, somebody got around to it.

 

I was diagnosed with AIDS on July 5, 2010.

 

I tried hard to commit suicide the first time. That was all me. The second time, that was a medicine I had been put on. Sustiva, it's a componant of Atripla. Can cause suicidal thoughts in people with a history of depression an dmental illness. I hadn't been honest about bipolar disorder with my doctor.

 

It took a few years to start to handle things better. Most of the time I do. A few days ago, I did an Ask Me Anything on reddit about being HIV/AIDS positive. I didn't talk about my son. 

 

Some guy named Nick messaged me, asked me to do this. My exwife name is Nicole, I called her Nic.... that's probably the only reason I'm here now.

 

Last night I got drunk, for the first time in a long time. God bless Uber for getting me home. My puppy, she's a year old now, a yellow, couldn't handle another chocalate. The look on her face at the window, man I was ashamed. The old saying is true, I wish I was half the man my dog thinks I am.

 

I need to stop now, I'm shaking from the hangover, the emotions, and just being in poor health. Looks like spell checker doesn't work here. If there is some sort of edit feature, maybe I'll try to come back and be a little more productive.

 

Right now, dog is trying for lap time, licking at the tears on my face, and telling me to go back to bed

 

 

 

 

User Comments

when nick asked me to do this, i knew i needed to, i knew i would, and someday soon when i sober up from this binge i might even appreciate it

right now i don't 

i have a good story to tell, about the three children that are alive. aboutt he little boy with my sons heart. about the girl that had never been home from the hospital since she was born.

about learning to live with hiv. fighting back aids, tuberculosus, pcp, mac... i wanted to tell that story. that can help someone.

nicole hasn't spoke to me in a few years, she needed someone to blame. she was driving, it wsn't her fault. the driver at fault, fumblinig with his cell phone, ran a stop sign into a highway.

one year probabtion, one year lost license, 1000 dollar fine, 3 hours commnity service

same court, for one joint, i got one year probabtion, one year lost license, 1000 fine, and 60 hours of service.

i drove a lot of nails thinking about that.

Anon-1

I'm glad you shared. I hope it helps. I'm pretty sure I'd be completely lost in your situation... one thing, after another, after another. Until I read this, I thought that was where I already was. 

You have my sincerest best wishes for the future. I don't want to sound trite, or crass, so I'll spare you the "life can suddenly get better, too" speech and just reaffirm that I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Prayers, too, if that's something you'd appreciate.

Anon-2

I hope that you get a few more replies, and that you come back to see that people wish you well. Nobody should have to go through what you did, but you did... and nobody can fix it. I hope that things turn around for you, I really do.