Living In a Circus

I'm a normal dude. I'm a little quiet, reserved, but can get along with about anyone. I grew up in the suburbs and I went to college for a few years after high school. I get depressed sometimes, I have addictive tendencies. I am competent and very professional.  

So, I just turned 27, and I've been in the military for over 5 years. I've had ups and downs career wise, but I've done really well in my time. For the last year, though, things have been pretty bad. I was completely passed over for a promotion that I absolutely deserved. I was subordinated to someone whom I trained, and I received the latest "slightly above average" type of evaluation. I was a great NCO, I was better than that. I earned so much more and now I've been robbed of two major opportunities that I secured for myself. Since then, I've essentially checked out. I show up to work, vegetate, and leave. I hate it there. Every day that goes by, I ruminate over what happened to me and try to solve this mystery of how I suddenly fell out of favor. I have the anger checked, but only barely. Every slight at work brings it all back, and there are many. I feel like I'm stuck in a bureaucracy straight out of Kafka. Nothing can get accomplished at work except for prolonging my futile desires to get educational benefits and the like...

Earlier this year, I started school again. I love learning, and I have always been the academic type. I take great pride in how much I've accomplished, and my mastery of a subject that I had struggled with in my failed university days has been a source of satisfaction. It is almost my only one. This facet of my life is the one I have control over, and I need it, absolutely.

Finally, my family. I've been married for a few years. My wife and I have had a child as of last year. Our relationship is terribly rocky. Every day, I suspect she doesn't love me, and I react badly to her. She deserves it, I feel. Her parents (who are always around) and our son are the only people she really seems to care for. I have fell out of favor at home, too. I don't know how to control these feelings. When she treats me a certain way, I just shut down. I know it makes it worse, but I truly feel she earns my scorn during these instances. I try to overcome my feelings and treat her well despite her apathy, but eventually I always slip. I love her in the most basic way, just a blanket desire to keep her around. My strongest wish is to have her back.

I feel like for some reason I fell apart as the world continued to turn, as if I were left behind as a broken relic of a time when I was relevant. At home, at work, all around, I just cannot seem to accomplish ANYTHING. Nothing seems to yield results, and all of my labor is fruitless. I feel utterly impotent. I feel unloved, unneeded, indeed unwanted at times. I have hope, but I am awestuck by how bad I feel each day. It is truly miserable, and I cannot wait for the future to deliver me from this. 

Thanks for reading.

User Comments