Forever Alone, Now Unbelievably Lonely

All I ever wanted was to have a family, a husband and kids. Apparently that was too much to ask for. When I was 19 I dropped out of college because of my boyfriend. Stupid right? We got engaged, made plans and a month before we were to be married he got cold feet. Implied he cheated on me with one of my best friends, don't know if he did or not, but wedding was off. Things he did later made me glad we didn't get married and really made me doubt my ability to trust what I thought I knew about people. I put up walls to keep from being hurt and went years without dating. The few times I would try I got hurt again and went back behind the walls. Decades passed, no husband, no kids, lots of depression.

St 53 I decided I didn't want to continue alone, time to put myself out there again. Online dating brought me a possibility, or so I thought. Several months of dating a man on disability who wanted to marry me. We dated, I broke things off, we would get back together and soon I would break things off again. Each time we broke up, he would swear a blue streak. I eventually realised her just wanted someone to take care of him. He didn't love me, but could not make ends meet without someone with a job. 

For a change I didn't crawl back in my hole surrounded by walls. Then it happened I met a great guy with a great job. We both feel in love. He moved in, helped me financially, took me on a cruise, had me pick an engagement ring, started planning a wedding. I was well and truly happy. All the years of waiting was worth it. My dreams were coming true, no kids, but someone finally loved me as I deserved to be loved. We hooked about doing things backwards. He moved in, then we went on our honeymoon, then we bought a ring, then he asked my parents for their blessing. Lol

A month after we got engaged and 5 months before the wedding I got a call at work, Jim collapsed at his desk, they called an ambulance and I should go to the hospital. He died of a massive heart attack and never regained consciousness. 

I was used to living alone, but now I understand true debilitating loneliness. I have mourned Jim longer than I knew him. My soul and my spirit feel crushed. The only thing I feel like I have left is God and half the time I am ranting why!

 

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