A life wasted

I have been depressed for most of my life, though I've had a diagnosis for major psychotic depression for some three years. Type 1 diabetes I've had for 20 years. But now that I think about it, my depression started around the time I lost my faith in Christianity. Funny. A miserable atheist.

My life is slowly becoming unbearable. Every day I wonder if this will be my last. Sometimes I hope it will be my last. I want to kill myself. But I can't do it, I can't do that to my friends and family.

But I want to. I don't belong here, there's nothing for me here. I've seen what this life has to offer, and I don't care about it. I don't want to grow old and decrepit, to lose my eyesight and ability to walk to diabetic complications. Emptiness, it calls for me.

Which is funny, because my life is empty. I know emptiness. I live in darkness, though there is a light shining somewhere. I know there is, other people see it. I long for complete blackness. Death.

User Comments
Anon-1

I can't speak for you, but through my own trials with major depression, I know that it wasn't life that I wanted to end. It was the pain, and I couldn't recognize a time when the pain might go away. Distant memories of laughter and love were like scenes from a film of someone else's life. 

I'm here to tell you right now that this will end, and you will find yourself in a place where the darkness that surrounds you is incomprehensible. I can't promise how, or when, but it will end. Better things lie in wait, and you won't have to worry about ending it all and leaving family and friends in pain in your place.

I hope you see this. I hope it helps.

Anon-2

I'm a diabetic with depression. At 35, having only recently been diagnosed (within the last 2 years) I'm now facing nerve damage and other complications. I wasn't exactly careful with my health to begin with. I'm still not, not nearly as much as I need to be. 

There is hope though. I'm finally starting to take care of myself. I have friends and family and loved ones who have reminded me of what's worthwhile in this life. Stay strong; you've been strong so far, stronger than you realize. Keep it up. You deserve to feel better... and it WILL happen.

Anon-3

You're not just here until you die, and your life hasn't been wasted until it's over! I mean really, truly over. Now, you've been strong until now. Don't stop! Don't back off on that! You never know how you might impact the lives of other people, just by being yourself. Somewhere out there is a person who you'll mean the world to, and that'll be enough to make you smile anew each and every day. For the time being... stop being so damn hard on yourself, seriously. You deserve better.

Anon-4

Hi there! So, look... I don't know you, and I can't pretend that I do, but I've known a lot of depressed people. They all said this, you know? I'm not making light, they were seriously, majorly depressed, and diagnosed as such. They all said something like this... but I don't know a single person about whom it was true. I refuse to believe, without any evidence to the contrary, that you're different in that regard. I'm sure you're just as amazing, full of depth and interests and life, as they all are. 

So, hey. One day at a time. For me? I'd appreciate that. Total stranger, I know, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd fight this, and do what you can to seek help. The pain goes away -- I promise it does.