Lifes hard.

I want to believe I'll find someone who will like me. But I'm terribly introverted and I am the outcast of my class, and from where I can see, I'm headed downhill.

 

I just want someone besides my immediate family that I know cares. Sometimes I'll run a test in my mind. If I died, who would be sad? Sure everyone would be a little sad, and the halls would be quiet, but only because they want to look more sad than they are. They want to trick themselves into believing they would be mourning me. Every time I run it in my head, I don't know a single person who would straight-up cry besides my immediate family. And I'm afraid when I grow up I'll lose them too..

 

I've always been told I'm very smart. I have a hard time believing it sometimes, I'm always outcasted. I'm in the GT program for my school, which means I'm the top 1% in terms of intelligence. But I can't be happy. As long as I know nobody loves me but those who were bound with me by birth I will always be sad. I'm very depressed. My future is hopeless. I feel trapped, like I have nowhere to go. A good college? I haven't got good enough grades for that. A beautiful, loving girlfriend with a great personality? Even the snotty, quick-ending ones that everybody dislikes don't like me because everybody dislikes me worse.

I'm from a small school, Pre-K to 12th grade, and only 150 students in all of that. There is a small pool, and nobody like me. There is another girl, but she never wants to do any schoolwork, she is in trouble with all the teachers, she quits everything, and she just isn't right for me. Maybe the only person people dislike more than me. I guess I should feel bad about disliking her, but she is always lying. I play sports, albeit the worst on the team, but I still really respect my coach, and she is the polar opposite of him. She doesn't care to quit if its hard and she doesn't want to do it.

 

The only girlfriend I only had left me. We dated all school-year but broke up before the end just because we are so far apart. When I came back to school, I heard rumors that she got really depressed and hurt herself, and her parents sent her to a psych ward so she could get help. She came back a few times that year. Now she is in Wyoming for treatment. Now that I am in her shoes, I really, really love her. So much it hurts... She is extroverted, but I've never had a problem talking to her, because she is always nice and humble. She always passes with no problem, just like me. She doesn't give up and she works hard in sports. Just like me.

 

When I said she left me for the Summer she didn't. She left me for another person.

 

It hurts so bad. I think of all the things wrong with myself, and then, a single clear thought about her, and suddenly I'm in a much darker place thinking about her. My best chance and I couldn't even hold onto her. I was embarrassed all the time with her. I never took her seriously enough and I didn't love her as much as I would now. I was too young to really understand.

And now that I do it rips my heart out and tears it to shreds. I've cried more in the past month thinking about it than I ever have last year. And I'm a guy. Guys don't cry.

 

I saw her last year, at the end of the year. Its almost to semester exams and I haven't seen her face once yet. She hasn't come back yet. I'm afraid her parents are going to put her in another school and I will never get to see her again.

 

To anyone reading this, let this be known. Never give up on a girl you love. You never know when you will get another chance to see her, to love her again. To hold her hand, and realize what you have.

Its impossible to know what you have until its gone. I wouldn't date her now. I would love her, talk to her, and want to. But I am too afraid I will play with her emotions too much, and I don't want her to leave me again. Maybe she'll come out of it, and we can be together again. Right now all I want to see is her face. I bet she is more beautiful now.

 

For now I will remain the same. Introverted, back-of-the-class, and barely trying. And every day I will reflect on the girl I lost. The girl that I loved. And I will hope that one day I see her again. Truth-be-told, I don't even know if she would still like me. I have gotten quite a bit of acne since then.

 

I know its my fault and every time I reflect on that fact, I nearly break down. But I can't most places, because guys are supposed to be tough. So I bottle it up and break down when I get home at least once a week.

Its not just about her, either. I know I'm really depressed right now. I'm sure a lot of other people can tell too, but so far only one or two people have actually bothered to ask what is bothering me. I didn't tell them. That girl sitting in Wyoming will hear, somehow, and I don't want to play with her emotions. I don't want her to know I love her. Because maybe then she will feel the same way I am, and have depression and that to worry about, if she still likes me. I don't want her to be depressed and realizing you may never get to see someone that loves you again, like me. And I don't want her to suffer because I love her.

 

But I'll pull through, just because one day I might see her again. I might be able to be happy again. And to see her, would completely counteract my depression. And if I was certain it would help hers, I would tell her too.

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