Four years, a living hell.

Five years ago, I was in a happy relationship with the love if my life. In fact, a month later, we would become engaged... My fiancé (we'll call K) and I were living with a friend and K had no job. We worked hard to make ends meet, and try to find K a job so we could work on living together alone. 

Well in the beginning of 2011, things got rough between K and I, because the bills from winter were getting too high for me and our friend to handle. I confided in a new employee at my job, who we'll call AR, because I was getting frustrated that I was fronting everything and couldn't make ends meet. AR was nice to me, listened a lot, gave me rides home (I took the train to and from work)... and she kept insisting that K was not the woman for me. I kept fighting for K, but then one day she confessed to meeting up with another girl while I was at work and was making out with that girl. K felt guilty and ashamed, and in my shock, I told her I needed time to think. That's when AR finally convinced me to break up with K, telling me that she'll eventually cheat on me...

In the weeks to follow, I went through a lot of depression, drinking, and junk. It was a bad time for me. AR kept spending a lot of time with me, I assumed because she cared. A little over a month after my breakup with K, AR made it clear that she was interested in having a relationship with me, and shotly after, we got together. AR is 6 years older than me, and was so nice to me the first 4 months. Supposedly, she lost her virginity to me at the age of 27, at the time I believed that. AR told me she was on birth control, but in October, we found out that she was already 4 weeks pregnant...

That's when AR changed, or maybe she just stopped acting fake? I don't know anymore... but the past four years have been living hell. I waited and worked hard and gave up so much for a girl who doesn't exist. 

AR started getting picky with me, upset with every little thing. I thought it was me for a while and did everything I could to make things better. She started shutting me out, yelling at me, refusing to give me rides to work after I moved in with her (we had a deal that she would always give me rides because I would have trouble getting to work from where she lived). Just before Thanksgiving 2011, AR dumped me and ditched me for our holiday plans. She went out with work friends and had alcoholic jello shots, despite being pregnant. I was so depressed and also very mad. 

Christmas wasn't any less awkward or upsetting, I had no way to visit my family and eventually convinced AR to visit my family for Christmas. My family was very nice to her and tried to make conversation with her, even though we were not together. She refused to get back with me, calling me childish and saying I'm not grown up enough for her or to be a good father. She constantly said mean things to me, putting me down and complaining about everything. I took it and hoped it was pregnancy hormones. 

At the beginning of 2012, I wad talking to my bestfriend G, his brother has a son, and had to file custody paperwork to see his son. Afraid this might happen, coupled with AR starting she was moving back to California (we were living in Rhode Island) I freaked out. I begged AR to let me talk to her and bright up custody, I told her we should discuss it before our baby was here because she didn't want to be with me anymore. The next day, AR asked me into her room, and handed me a legal document she claimed was stamped and certified, which stated something along the lines of me not filing custody to prevent her from moving back to California. She told me that if I did not sign it, she would be flying back the next day, without me, with our unborn child... and would cut me off so I never knew where my daughter was. 

Terrified and completely clueless to my legal rights... I signed and promised not to. I didn't want to lose my first child, and I didn't know what happened then, in the past with AR,or the horrors that were to follow...

At first, AR told me that she was going to move there alone and I could move there on my own, if I wanted. Then she changed her tune. She said she would let me move with her and she would get back together with me if I got enough money to move us to the San Diego area by July 2012. Wanting a happy family and to have my daughter in my life, I followed all her instructions. I always cleaned the house by myself, she told me to sell or throw away all my stuff and I did all of it. I sold all but my laptop and my clothes, even things I didn't want to sell, to come up with the money to move. 

She had me deposit all of the money from the sales to her Walmart cash card, with the reasoning that my bank did not exist in California. For 7 months, my paychecks went to her as well... I never saw any of that money again. And she never let me see where it went. Claiming it was all used to move us. Over $5,000, just to note, to drive us across the country and get a cheap apartment. But it got worse. So much worse.

Our baby was born June 2012, the first week was pure bliss. Everything was finally okay. Except it was not at all okay. Suddenly, AR kept our baby away from me, making excuses and locking her bedroom door. 

We moved to California in July and I transferred jobs. I had to borrow her dad's bicycle to ride 25 minutes to work in the blistering heat. I wastill never given a ride to work. Within the first week of living there, I was kicked out of our one bedroom, to the couch. Where I would live until the year. I never saw AR or our baby, she always was out doing things, and not telling me where they were. Or locking the two of them in the bedroom. Even worse, I wasn't making enough money, and I was responsible for some bills and AR made me pay for her cellphone. 

I ended up making a mistake I regret to this day, I stole giftcards from work just so I could eat (I made barely enough to not get assistance, but i wad literally starving, eating 2-4 days out of the week). I was let off easy... given the option to quit my job instead of getting arrested. I've come to terms with my wrongdoing, and vowed to never do that again, even if I was starving. 

I ended up getting a part time job for Black Friday,and didn't make nearly enough. I still wasnt seeing my baby or AR and I was so lonely. On my way home, days before Christmas 2012, I was hit by a car on my bicycle ride home from work. The driver didn't see me, though he didn't have a green light anyways, and I was rushed to the hospital. I won't go too much into the hell of that situation, but I have permanent damage to my rotator cuffs, my back hasn't been the same, my feet luck up sometimes, I get major anxiety sometimes when a car is coming at me (probably ptsd) and the guys insurance company refused to pay out at all because of an error from the deputies report. I've never physically been the same since. 

Anyways, that night, I spent hours in the ER trying to get ahold of AR. I didn't know where I was, and didn't have anyone else to go too. She ignored my calls and texts for hours. She made excuses to not pick me up, telling me it was my fault for not looking where I was going... and that she would pick me up when our baby woke up, but not before. She eventually picked me up and was annoyed with me. Annoyed that I made her come out there, wake up our baby, and even that I couldn't open the door on her car (which needed a good tug cause it was broken and my shoulders weren't doing well). I lost my job again, because they couldn't employ an injured person...

With no money, and no job, I couldn't pay rent. AR said I'd have to live with my family. She said she didn't know anyone who would house me, especially because I didn't have a job. My family bought me a plane ticket and I had to move back in with them. Without AR or our baby. AR then told me she would be my GF and promised tons of things, including video chats every day until I got back. She kept none of her promises, and I saw our baby for 20 minutes a week, IF she felt like it.

I got a job exactly 5 weeks later in January 2013. From the moment I moved out in December 2012 until my first paycheck in February 2013,AR demanded money. Stating I owe her child support. I was home for a year and a half. I saved tons of money to get there and live comfortably. During that year and a half, AR demanded money for things, threatened to turn off my phone, said mean things to me like that I abandoned them... it was very hard. 

In June 2014, I finally moved back, but this time I moved in with a good friend of mine who moved there. Since then, AR has blocked my familyand myself on Facebook, still makes plans without me involved, demands money from me, and says terrible things to me. We moved in together in March this year (2015) and now I'm learning that even though she has never raised a fist to me, she has been abusing me for years and purposefully alienating our child from having a relationship with me. I've just started working on a case with a professional... but I'm still stuck living with AR. I want to be free, I want to see my child... this depression gets so bad sometimes, it's hard to enjoy life at all. 

My family hasn't seen my kid since she was 2 months old. Now she's the and a half. All my attempts have been shot down. I've been lied to,led on, taken advantage of, and I have trust issues now... in a way, AR ruined my life. I'm always depressed, I've lost so much... including a lot of my baby's firsts. I never saw her take her first step, learn to walk, learn to talk...

Because of that. Because of my 4 years of hell, I'm so lost and depressed. I've lost things, friends, time, experiences. How does someone recover from this? How can my life ever be normal again...

Thanks if you read all of this, I know if was long... 

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