I hate myself for hooking up with a guy

I am an intern in a big company and I met this guy through a common friend. I really had no intention of dating him and I saw him as an older brother and a mentor, but everyone in the office were teasing me with him despite the age difference. We'd hang out a lot with friends. When there were moments when we're alone, he'd hold my hand, cuddle with me, sleep on my lap, etc. In short, he was giving me weird signals.

Fast forward to my birthday, two nights before, he messaged me saying that he couldn't make it to my party (although, I only had the intention of inviting him and told a common friend about it but I never invited him yet) and he'd want to make it up to me by watching a movie with me (Inside Out). I agreed since I had no other plans. Things got a little tense after the movie when we went to his flat and we made out and hooked up. He added: "he just wants to make out with me". So okay, I thought, I wasn't really into him so I played it cool and went home.

Few months after, we saw each other a lot through several meetups with friends. We'd play tabletop games and we'd go to bars with friends obviously. He opened up to me about his ex-girlfriend of seven years and her dating again made him feel so broken. Being a good friend, I told him that I was going out on a three day vacation and he might want to join the tour so he could take his mind off stuff. He agreed.

Nights prior to the vacation trip, he took me to his place and after some time hanging out with him, he'd start kissing me and when things got so intense, we hooked up. It happened twice. I still played it cool, but I never asked why. But deep down, I've started hating myself because I know he's playing me around.

I wanted to confront him about the kiss, but the vacation trip happened. I couldn't bring up the topic since it might ruin the vacation, obviously. But while we were on the trip, he started to distance himself around me and he rarely talked to me throughout. It made me sad not being able to enjoy the trip and he was acting weird. A common friend said that he might be dealing with his ex-girlfriend (probably they're patching things up). When we came back, I apologized (I don't know why) for my strange behavior and I told him I was really stressed seeing him like that. He apologized too, after that we never talked.

Recently, things have become more awkward and I feel that both of us are trying to avoid and become distant to one another. In a recent hangout with a common friend, we're totally separated from one another and we wouldn't look at each other in the eye. Although, I did try reaching out to him and me wanting to remain his friend, but he was acting all jittery and anxious around me. I want to remain friends with him but he's just so distant with me.

I can't tell anyone who probably would know what could be the problem since I'm working in that company and things might get weird in the office.

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