Rambling about Depression

Today was a good day. I ate more than usual. I did not feel as down. I think my day was better because I spent the majority of the first part of my day talking. Just talking to another person took my mind off of my own thoughts. It provided a distraction. It provided the necessary focus that I needed to keep my mind busy away from the negative thoughts that add stress to my life. Depression is a self-perpetuating thing for me. It is a feedback loop that is hard to break. It is a cycle that continues down and down and down. But, it does not have to be this way. For me, the first step is to break the cycle. This means eating little things. Then the next day I eat a little more and then the next day I eat a little more until my body is fully functioning again. I will still struggle with my mind, but getting my body right is just as much part of the battle.

Today, work went well. I socialized a bunch with peers and colleagues. I sent some text messages to old friends. I ran. Running seems to be the highlight of my day. It's more of jogging, but who cares. When I run, I must get the so called runners high. I wouldn't say that I feel invicible or my depression completely falls away, but I definitely feel better. I think it gets my mind more active and more positive thinking about all of the positive things in my life and in my future. I have found that I seem to be happiest when I am dreaming of what I can be, of what I can do, of what I can achieve in the future. Thoughts about future career changes or starting a business or even thoughts of having conversations with friends pop up when I run. I also see all of the other people. I don't feel alone. I feel a part of this stranger community. A park community where I know no one, but I am a part of them too. I feel in control. The dogs are always nice to see too. Sometimes I want to pet the dogs, but I don't want to scare the owners. But, I doubt they would be scarred by me. I am shy. Maybe I fear rejection. I don't know. What is important is that it is a positive aspect of my life now.

I read an article that said jogging can solve anxiety and stress. I do not know if that will be my case, but I know it is helping. I think it has to do with my genes. My mom does this crazy thing called spinning. She rides on a stationary bike and sweats like crazy. She does this 6 times a week. It's nuts. But she doesn't feel the same without it. Maybe it's because she has been doing it most of her life. Maybe it really does help her mood. I don't know. But, jogging everyday is helping me. I will continue jogging. I even asked someone I knew if they wanted to go jogging with me. Haha I am killing two birds with one stone. I get to run and I won't feel alone.

Do I feel alone in this world? I think some part of me does feel alone in the world. I have friends and family. Objectively, I am not alone. But, sometimes I get that feeling that there's no one else out there. It is kind of strange. I know that 1+1=2, but it doesn't feel that way to me. It doesn't matter though. I will get better. I have been in worse places than this. It is just being good to myself, my body, my mind...avoid stress, but don't get stressed by avoiding stress. Funny how that can work.

I have been all over the place with this. I am not really sure where I was going or even where I am going. So far, I don't feel much better than before I wrote this. That's ok. Not everything is going to work out the way I want it, but at least I tried.

See you tomorrow.

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