A Relationship Built on distrust.

A combination of overthinking, jealousy, and being very untrusting, or maybe too trusting. My mind is a mess jumbling around trying to find words to describe it but I guess you just have to experience it.

 

My girlfriend used to text me every morning and we would text all day. Suddenly she began to text me afternoons only and going to bed earlier. She's avoiding me? Why? What did I do, I haven't done anything have I? She went to sleep 2 hours ago, so why does the internet say she was online 25 minutes ago? Who else was online at that time, her guy friend of 4 years. I know they don't like each other, we are all just friends and we jump on games together. So than why wasn't I invited, she's supposed to be asleep? And when we are in games and calls together she isn't killing me or talking to me or laughing at me or having fun with me. Somehow they always manage to find each other and have a blast whether working together or dying. Why don't I have that relationship with her? She avoids me during the day and goes to bed early, yet she's on in the morning or middle of night? What gives? My heart is beating so fast, it just keeps getting worse along with the thoughts boiling in my head. 

 

So yeah that's about 2 minutes of thinking about a situation. The odd thing is this doesn't happen with my friends or family. Just my girlfriend. So it must be a trust thing, but she's never given me a reason not to trust her. So than why don't I trust her I wonder. 

 

Started off as once a week, but now it's every day. Every day it is something else "you like your friend!" "you avoid me" (well no shoot, I would too) "why don't we have fun like you two have fun" "why dont you stop me from leaving, its like you dont care". And she is real patient, she does her best to calm me down and I immediately regret saying or doing any of those things....... than 30 minutes later i'll do it again. I feel like im pushing her away. I'm definitely pushing her away. Why do I ruin a good thing? Why can't I leave it alone and why do I over think it? I always take it there, and I always ruin it. I want to stop. I don't like being that guy, and I don't like feeling jealous or getting upset over seemingly little thing. I see that in hindsight but I can't see that during. I tell myself maybe it's because of past exes, but I feel like that's a cop out. Like i'm finding an excuse to avoid the real reason. High shcool was just drama, nothing that happened mattered after we graduated. 

 

My ex from High School was a hot little thing, she knew it too. Guys were all over her, but she was with me. But i'm not sure it was only me. I took her phone while she was in the bathroom and checked her messages, she had messages from a guy saying something about a kiss after school and a winky face. Was that just his way of flirting? She winked back? Why would she do that? That's not cool, even if nothing physical happened she shouldnt be flirting with another dude. I trusted her and she abused that trust. 

 

After her I had a fling with my friends girlfriend of 3 years. Sad thing is they are still together and she cheated on him again a few years after me with some guy from church. On the outside though you would think they are the perfect couple. They were made for each other, there is no way they would ever break up. Guess that's why she cheats? I called it off after a few months of feeling used. I abused my friends trust, the same way she abused his trust to kiss me? After that feeling both sides of cheating and helping one cheat, I was done. I could never do that to anyone. The feeling is awful.

 

Than was she girl I thought for sure would be my high school sweetheart right? The problem was she had a guy friend that followed her like a dog. I told her the guy liked her and she laughed, she never thought about it. I was her first bf so I guess she'd never thought of anyone in that way before? Well sure enough the guy confesses his love for her. She tells me they don't talk anymore..... a few days later they are talking. I get real paranoid and jealous and protective and we end up taking "a break". Thanks "Friends" for that one. She hangs out with her guy friend that she doesn't like an awful lot, but we end up getting back together. She tells me they didn't kiss, rather she put her fingers between their lips as a game one of her friends encouraged. As a naive teen I believed this but there's no doubt in my mind that they did kiss. Whatever, we were on a break right? I feel you Rachel. So things go back to normal with us for like a week until her lies start to fall apart. They start getting jumbled and cofnsued after a while and I learn that she didn't go to the movies with the girl she said she was going with, she went with That guy. Taht guy that's been screweing us up from the beginning. The guy I Knew liked her. The guy she kissed. This guy everyone tells her is bad news. All my friends knew it and tried to spare me from the heartbreak but I just kept running back to her. I got close to 2 different grils at different times between our breaks. I hurt both of those girls for the sake of running back to this chick, and why? Cuz we makeout on the couch? Is that where I went wrong? Should we have gone out more? She went off to the army, and never wrote. Called for 5 minutes and said she had to go, than she calls one of my best friends I trust with my heart and sole and they talk for 30 minutes about how shes gong to break up with me. Honestly I didn't even remember what she looked like, what she felt like, what she sounded like anymore. Felt like we had been broken up for months. I was the first to go, but eventually she dropped all her friends too. 

 

I've been single for 2 years, I like to think that it's by choice and that I feel free and stress free from all of it. But part of me knows i'm still hurting despite being over her. Well now i'm with this girl, this real sweet girl. Oddly enough i'm her first bf as well, and she has a lot of guy friends, they are all online, I mean of course they are dudes not many chicks play online. I go out to the movies and dinner with my female friends, but she talks to a guy online and I flip my lid??? Isn't it the same thing that i'm doing just hanging out with my friends? I know i don't feel attraction to my friends though. I don't know if she does?? Do I even deserve to be in a relationship? I know i'm not asexual, i'm a kinky mofo and girls are great....... except I only know 3 that are great (mom, sis, and friend). Part of me feels like i'd be better off being single for the rest of my life, but I have to get over this some how. I can't let this hold me back for the rest of my life. Or maybe I should date my stalker or some one else who is really clingy, I feel like i'd be okay with it because they would be all about me so I wouldn't have to worry!

 

It's funny, I started off the title as "I ruin everything" but now that I say all of this, I'm not sure it's me anymore. I mean, all my past suspiscions were right? Or maybe I just pushed them to the point of wanting to cheat or wanting to lie to me. Right now though I ruin everything with this girl, like on a subconscious level I find a way to sabotage our every interaction. She doesn't deserve that. I know it's a trust thing, but no matter what I tell myself it doesn't change. Next google search "how to find a stalker" wish me luck!

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