To this day, my parents are still married and I still hate school

Hello fellow reader, my name is Jason and I am here to share my story about a rough family life and a rough school life.

My Parents:

Well, my life started out as something quite normal, I had no troubles at home and school was going as normally as ever. However, there came a dreadful day when I was only around maybe 5 or 6 years old. My mother came in to my room to put clothes away but she seemed a little angry, however my young self didn't catch on so I thought she was in a normal mood. Until, that is, she slammed the dresser drawer and yelled right at my face to keep my mouth shut. I instantly started to cry but that didn't seem to make her show any sympathy and she marched out my room. I somehow caught on and thought that this wasn't normal at all so I walking out to the living room to get my father. After I told him what happened he stormed to her bedroom. Then they started arguing about how my mother thought my father was cheating on her (but he wasn't) and that what started the many more big arguements that were about to come. They seemed to happen once per year from then on. Some examples: One day I woke up to find the living room in a total mess and my mother sitting there smoking a cigarrette, she said "we're getting a divorce" but it never happened. Another time was somewhere around Christmas, I saw my mother in tears as she was taking down the decorations because she thought we weren't going to have money to celebrate Christmas, and after I told her how that was a stupid idea to think of my father came in to see what was going on; he was pissed. I will never forget that day because that was the day my father slapped her hard, and I snapped and yelled in his face but he didn't even flinch, my brother then came in to calm me down. There was another time where after my grandmother died but there was something fishy about her will, it was realized my mom's sister and brother were getting more than her and you can expect she was downright pissed. However as my mother was going to angrily drive to her sister's place my father stopped her. He had to litteraly pin her down to keep her from moving. After my father finally let her go she went out to the backyard to take a walk (I guess you can call that?) but father was having none of it and tried to pin her down again, but he gave up and just let her go and so me and my brother went to follow her so she didn't get hurt. There was also one time where my mother tried to commit suicide...but I won't get too far into that one, at least she was okay in the end.

Many more arguements like these have happened before and you can be damn well sure that they were tramatizing for me. Everytime that these have happened I would do nothing but watch as the secne took action before my eyes in absolute shock. My brother moved out eventually because of these arguements so I was all alone. Unfortunately it wasn't long till they started arguing again and I was the only one there and had no help. Luckly, my parents finally caught on after these have happened so many times that they understand I don't want to see this so they called my brother; what a mistake. My brother came in with the most utter rage I have ever seen in my entire life. He basically snapped 10 fold and was yelling at them at the top of his lungs, after that he took me with him for a while. I don't know how or why but to this day my parents are still married but somedays...I wish they weren't.

My school life:

In my opinion, school is where most of my social anxiety came from along with my ADD. Elementary was probably one of my favorite school years because it was fun and lively. However, not every day was like that. I had such a small number of friends but I was pretty well know however, that's because I was the quiet kid. If you talked to me I would talk with you but I would never talk to you first unless it was important. There is a reason though because in my mind I thought either there was no point or I would be afraid that you would judge me negatively. 5th grade is when I started to notice that I don't seem right and so I talked to my parents about it but of course they just thought I was shy, which is a bit understandable. Then, there came middle school, the worst years of my life. At first I thought it would be fun to finally to be a new setting, but I was wrong. Later, I started to get picked on for seemingly no reason. There was this one kid named Jack and he kept making stupid insults which were annoying. Then we had a new student whose name was Rudy, he straight up looked like a bully, fortunately he wasn't so bad. Although one day during math class he started to be a nusiance and started picking on me as well by scribbling on my paper, of course I retaliated but we got the WHOLE class in trouble and we got cold stares. I would never forgive him for that. Unfortunately, things only went from bad to worst when I got to 7th grade. It went normally as the days went on but for some reason people seem to take notice of me as the quiet kid and so I seemed to be a target for a couple of people. On the bright side, I made a few new friends that year, 2 of which were girls (but not girlfriends of course) but I also lost some, espcially the friend I knew since kindergarden. We drifted apart for each other since I could never really meet him and I started to talk to him less. Anyway, I then started to get picked on once again, this time by a girl in science class, I was actually quite shocked. I also had a "frienemy" and by that I mean he was a friend but also my enemy. Sometimes he would be friendly toward but sometimes he would pick on me as well, I was quite confused, I didn't think he had bi-polar disorder or anything but he still confuses me to this day. All in all, 7th grade was probably the worst year for me because I started to become lonely and disconnected. I started eating lunch alone (but people would still sit by me at least; I never really talked to them) and then later on I started to not go outside for recess, I just kinda stayed in the lunchroom. It was shortlived as a couple teachers tried to get me to go outside and interact but I never did interact so I just sat by the wall. I will never forget this one day, even though it seemed like a small issue, but it hit me hard. We had a class project about medeviel merchants and so for our project we had to make products and try to "sell" them. I made swords and shields out of construction paper and foam. I waited for customers to come to by table but only my 2 friends in that class came to me and that was it. I saw in evny as other kids were selling there stuff like wildfire while I was just laying my head down on the table in shame, the teacher didn't even notice which made me even more sad. That day I left school in utter despair. In conclusion, I waited for school to be over as stress was starting to get to me, I even started to have slight panic attacks. After school was over me and my mom decided to try and online school called k12, ever since I have never went back to a brick and motar school.

And that is my life story, thank you so much for reading, this really helped me get this out of the way and I hope you or someone else can relate to me. As a reward here is a quote that I got from my therapist :)

"Nothing will change until the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of change" 

User Comments
Anon-1

Man. Nothing makes social anxiety worse than a family that can't seem to keep it together in your presence while you're growing up. It's like running into strangers on the street in your own bedroom--you never know when someone's going to act totally out of character. 

That's a great quote from your therapist, too. I don't wish any pain on you, certainly, but I do hope that things have started to look up for you ever since you tried online schooling.

Anon-2

You have a healthy and upbeat attitude in spite of everything you've gone through! I hope you're able to continue to stay positive and work on those issues that have been laid across your shoulders.

Anon-3

I'm so glad to see a young person with such a profound ability to stay upbeat despite hard circumstances. Don't ever let anybody drag you down or make you feel like you aren't worth it; you're totally worth it. You're worth feeling positive about. Hang on to that :)

Anon-4

Hello Jason! Social anxiety and ADD are not easy to deal with, particularly in combination. Nobody seems to understand. I'm glad you've found a healthy outlet -- just remember to try and occasionally put yourself into an uncomfortable situation, to learn to get along with people and try to master what skills you can. Ultimately though, a person who won't put the effort into understanding and accepting you isn't worth your time. 

Anon-5

It's hard to stay positive sometimes when it seems like the world is out to get you. Some people go unnoticed easily, but you will find as you grow as a person (literally, and figuratively) that, over time, you will form the important relationships that will help to keep you going. 

Anon-6

This doesn't sound like a healthy family dynamic to me. I can understand why you might sometimes wish that your parents no longer lived together. Ultimately it's hard to understand why any two people choose to stay together through the hard times, from an outside perspective. I'm proud of you though; you're really trying hard to stay positive. You seem like a good person :)