Dear Emily.

Dear reader,

I'm writing this for you to read, analyse, and hopefully offer advice on. Hopefully I can get a cathartic release from this, but below is what I want to write to my friend Emily.


Dear Emily,

I'm writing this to you because if I'm honest, I don't know what's wrong with me. I really want to just tell you how I'm feeling, but I can barely understand it, and even if I did, I'm scared that it would hurt you.

My feelings for you are like nothing I've ever felt before. When I'm with you, I wish I could be with you forever. I hate leaving you. For a few days, I'll miss you. And then all of a sudden, it's as if my feelings just cool off. I stop missing you, I get confused as to whether I actually love you or not. It scares me.

I know you like me back. You told me that. But I'm afraid of hurting you. I'm afraid of not being in love with you. I'm afraid of falling in love with someone else. I'm afraid of loving you more than you love me. And I'm afraid of you loving me more than I love you.

It's so confusing. This evening you told me that you couldn't bear not being with me. I felt the same yesterday, but not right now. I feel this awful sense of foreboding and guilt because I don't share the same feeling as you right now, and yet somehow, I do share that feeling. I want to go and see you tomorrow. I might come and see you tomorrow. I always feel on top of the world when I'm with you, there are no doubts. The trouble comes when I'm away from you.

I just want to feel okay, and I want to be in love with you, and I want to feel stable. Maybe I'm trying to analyse my feelings too much, rather than just feeling them? Perhaps because I spend so much time analysing my feelings, I forget to feel, and then worry why I'm not feeling?

I'm scared and I just want to be with you again.

Jesse -x-

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