Hi all. My name is Amanda. I have never been the most social person in the world, but have definitely improved over the years. I lost my mother to breast cancer in 2011. She was my best friend, so the loss was tremendously difficult for me. I had dealed with a father who was addicted to gambling for most of my childhood, and the loss of the parent who had been there for me made me resent that the irresponsible one was somehow still alive. I don't feel that way now, but well, I'm not sure I've completely worked through everything.

 

When he was gambling, my dad would take my mother's paychecks. He would break into her lockbox and steal jewelry to pawn. He pawned their wedding bands and my mom's deceased mother's wedding band too. One time my mom worked overtime to save up for a necklace for my brother's first wife to wear at their wedding and he got that and pawned it and it just about broke her heart. My dad got the life insurance money. I don't know how he got left on the policy, but yeah. I witnessed him bringing strange women into our home. He spent money on frivolous things, and I had a very rocky relationship with him. My brother was deployed, so that was another stressor in my life.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years when my mom died...it had been a failed relationship from the start and I just wanted to heap loss upon loss and be done with it. He tried to buy my love, but it wasn't going to work. I got closer to an online friend and wound up moving overseas in an attempt to be in a relationship with him. After two months in Denmark he walked through the door and told me he didnt want to be with me any more...that he felt no love for me. I couldn't go home to my dad's, so I went to stay with my grandparents in Florida, got a job at Walgreens, saved up money, and moved back to Denmark on my own. I guess I did it to prove I wasnt a failure. There were high points and low points. Eventually I ran out of money and wound up moving back to Kansas City, where I live now. My dad is much better, but our relationship is still strained.

 

I often blame myself for things which are not my fault, talk negatively to myself, and hold myself to unrealistic expectations. I feel like I can never win, have difficulty focusing, and am just not the person I used to be. It's hard to be interested in anything. I havent had a meaningful relationship in a long time and in fact feel that I may never be able to trust anyone again. I start therapy soon and Im hoping that helps. I also know I need to work on transitioning into a job that brings me more joy. I try to be thankful for what I have, and I manage to lead a pretty productive life, but I don't know how much longer I can operate under the accumulated weight of the past. To make matters worse, Facebook just shared a memory from three years ago...my Danish ex had liked the status and I was forced to see that he had replaced his picture with something happier and more upbeat, so I sense that he has moved on. I know I need to too. I'm just not sure how.

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