Life is beautiful, I'm just blind to it now.

You can find me in a room full of people and I'll be the lonliest guy there. People around me will be smiling, laughing, talking to eachother, and finding similarities among themselves. I feel like I'm frozen during those situations. I can never find any words to say. Anxiety has a strong grip on me. I've been unemployed for a year. Whenever someone asks what I'm doing with my life, I tell them that I'm going to school to become a radiologist. The truth is that I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I really just sit at home, play videogames, smoke weed, and look at my phone all day. Alcohol and opiates take away my anxiety. I used to be strongly against both of them, but I was only fooling myself. I don't think I'll ever feel the same way as I did the first time I shot up heroin. I don't have a physical dependence yet, but I definitely feel a psycholgical need for the bliss that these drugs create. I know that I should stop, but I feel like I can't make that choice. My mom is divorced. My dad disowned me when I was seventeen. I can't let my mom pay for rehab. She loves me. If these drugs kill me, I hope that I don't see her reaction. I'd rather shut down like a computer. I try to pretend that I'm happy around her. I know that there would be nothing she could do if I told her that I'm insanely depressed. It would only make her worried. My existence has been her biggest stressor, so I'm trying to ease up on the fact that I could go at any time. I'll make friends for a few months at a time, but I cut ties with them because I won't be able to put on a mask forever. I don't want to bring anyone down. Only two people know that I've been using heroin. One is my dealer and the other is my friend that uses it. I've been able to keep it concealed for a few months. I remember the last time I saw the world as a beautiful place. I was dating the love of my life. It's been almost two years since we broke up, but I'm still not over it. I miss her a lot and I wish that I could stop thinking about her. I've had flings with a few women since then, but I didn't feel the same. I wish that I could feel connected with people. Whenever I reach out, I miss. I become withdrawn and antisocial. I feel as if I see the world without enough color. Nothing captivates me. My taste becomes dull. Each sight and sound becomes the same as the one before it. Do I have to wake up and live through the same day over and over again? I look at the expressions on the faces of others. They can see that there is beauty in life, but I have become blind to it.

User Comments
Anon-1 Get to a rehab! Life is worth living... You can turn it around. It won't be all sunshine and rainbows but you were not out in this earth to do nothing and give up. You have a gift you just need to take the time to find it. But it's inside you, it's always been.