MY STORY in a very short version

Hi everyone, Well i rather not say my name but this a short version of my story, I'm the yungest of my brothers im 20 my older brother is 22 and my oldest sister is 24, so it's very common that the youngest one always is the one that get the most atenttion at least thats how it is in my case... Everybody always wanted more of me like they were all expecting me to fill up to their expectations of me of who was i supose to and how when the thing is i guess i never wanted to fill the expectations they wanted because it wasn't who i wnted to be.. i guess i've always had a difrent point of view and difrent vision of thing than my family i would say im more liberal... well to get to the point about a year i go i got diagnoesd with cronical depression.. this ment i had to depend on a pill to control my ups and downs , my emotions in other words my life.. the worst part about this is that when its cronical it means its never really over its not like you have this process for a year and your done you can have a normal life now.. no it means that maybe a finish this process and in 5 months a need to start taking pills again because that just the way my mind , body and me works... well when i was told all of this it really hit me because i hated the fact that i had to depend on a pill.. that didn't sound normal to me i started makeing myself all this questions like why me? why cant i just feel happy like everybody? why is it that my mind has to be my worst enemy? why cant i accept myself? all this questioning only made it worst for me and for all of you who have taken or are takeing thin antidepressant pilss now that the first weeks are the worst because it hits your system i mean you get nauses, you have mood swings, you lose apetite, you get dissy you just feel REALLY bad in every way possible, well a year has almost passed and i know ive made huge progress but i still get the bad days more often than i would like and sometime i feel more and more pressure from my family like sometimes i  think im just this big mess that keeps bringing problems to the house, i mean i know they dont really understand me because i can barely understand me i feel like i dont completly know myself like sometimes i just dont know how i feel why i feel like this and in conclusion i dont get tu understand me so how can i expect some else to do it? and all of this just broth more atenttion to me and lots of more presure because everything i do affects the ones that sorround me , my parents i mean i know they feel its theire foult in some way, my sister who has enough issues in her life and plus having to live with me it makes her hate me without even her knowing because whe feels like i get all the attention like if im only thinking about me all the time when truth be told i try to get to her constantly and she just keeps pushing me away like i push the rest of the poeple in my life so i just feel this huge strugle between how to not lose everybody or be a worry for them and wanting to be alone...

i hope i havent bored you with this but i belive this will help you understand me a bit better and the things that i go through

all my love to all of you readers and i hope youre having a nice good day, always looking for the brightside

User Comments

Depression is a very difficult thing to have to cope with.  Are you seeing a professional about this? It may be that a different type of medication will help you.

Meditation helped me, check out some of the videos on YouTube - sounds corny but it can really help.